Stones at the Wall
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Posted by dailyslog on 06/06/2014 | Short Link

Mama’s Gonna Put All of Her Fears Into You / What a Drag It Is Getting Old 
“The Stones Meet The Wall”–headline, Times of Israel, June 3

It’s Only Rock ‘N Roll (but I Like It) 
“Jags Salutes Stones Mentality”–headline, Everton Football [sic] Club website, June 2
06062

Shot and Chaser 
“Gun Range Alcohol License? Bad Mix but a Soon-to-Be Reality in Oklahoma”–headline, Newsmax.com, June 2

They’re Going to Catch L for This 
“NFL to Ditch Roman Numerals for Super Bowl 50″–headline, USA Today website, June 4

We Blame George W. Bush 
“Mad at Obama? Blame Republicans”–headline, NationalJournal.com, June 3

Point/Counterpoint

  • “Around 10 House Democrats have reported being threatened with violence and even death upon return to their districts because of their support for health-care reform, according to House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer. . . . In another disturbing pattern, windows are shattering in Democratic field offices.”–John Avlon, TheDailyBeast.com, March 24, 2010
  • “Sinister! Threats From the Left Are Scarier”–headline, LiveScience.com, June 2, 2014

Life Imitates the Onion

  • “Nameless Hurricane That Much More Terrifying”–headline, Onion, Sept. 3, 2007
  • “Female-Named Hurricanes Kill More Than Male Hurricanes Becaus
    e People Don’t Respect Them, Study Finds”–headline, Washington Post website, June 2, 2014

Generalissimo Francisco Franco Is Still Dead 
“Shailene Woodley Still Thinks Feminism ‘Discriminates’ “–headline, Salon.com, June 3

To Serve Man 
“Pope Francis Tells Couples Not to Substitute Dogs and Cats for Children”–headline, Religion News Service, June 2

It’s Wabbit Season! 
“Illinois Ducks Tax Hike (for Now)”–headline, WSJ.com, June 2

It’s Duck Season! 
“Federal Dietary Panel: Forget the Beef, Eat More Plants and Bugs”–headline, DailySignal.com, June 2

The New Normal 
“Normal Officer Charged With Domestic Battery Resigns”–headline, Pantagraph (Bloomington, Ill.), June 2

Let the Wookiee Win 
“Han’s Partner Faces Complaint in Probate Case”–headline, Albuquerque Journal, June 2

The Lonely Lives of Scientists 
“Scientists Seek Helper Fungi”–headline, Langley (British Columbia) Advance, June 206061

Hey, Kids! What Time Is it? 
“Time to Talk About the T in LGBT”–headline, Washington Post, June 2

Question and Answer–I

  • “Is Andrew Cuomo Liberal?”–headline, New York Times website, June 2, 2014
  • “Is the Pope Catholic?”–headline, New York Times, May 4, 2002

Question and Answer–II

  • “What Lentils and Onions Taught Me About Relationships”–headline, Washington Post website, June 2, 2014
  • “Lentils: The Lowly Lentil Needs Some Dressing Up”–headline, Spokesman Review (Spokane, Wash.), Aug. 19, 1998
  • “Lentils Climb Social Ladder of Legume World”–headline, Eugene (Ore.) Register-Guard, April 14, 1993
  • “Long Soak Can Reduce After Effects of Lentils”–headline, Spokesman Review, May 15, 2007

Question and Answer–III

  • “You Found a Cute Baby Animal, but What’s Next?”–headline, KORG-TV website (Cedar Rapids, Iowa), June 2, 2014
  • “Give Kids All Facts on Meat”–headline, Deseret News (Salt Lake City), July 31, 2000

Question and Answer–IV

  • “Sleepless In Seattle? These Tips Could Help You Get a Better Night’s Rest”–headline, KOMO-TV website (Seattle), June 1
  • “Marijuana Use Can Bring Sleepless Nights, Study Finds”–headline, Time.com, June 2

It’s Always in the Last Place You Look

  • “With Midterms Nearing, GOP Still Searches for Agenda”–headline, Byron York syndicated column, June 3
  • “Hillary Clinton’s Senate Years Curiously Missing From Her Memoirs”–headline, Washington Examiner, June 2

Look Out Below! 
“Wood Drops Out of House District 45 Contest”–headline, Lawrence (Kan.) Journal-World, June 3

Help Wanted 
“Man Wanted for Kindergarten Graduation Brawl”–headline, WKRC-AM website (Cincinnati), June 3

Breaking News From 1978 
“Our Future Is 1979″–headline, National Review Online, June 3

Bottom Stories of the Day

  • “Hawaiian Airlines Flights to American Samoa Not Enough to Meet Demand”–headline, Pacific Business News (Honolulu), June 2
  • “Director Oliver Stone to Adapt Edward Snowden Story for Film”–headline, Reuters, June 2

Out on a Limb 
“Syrian Election Results All but Certain”–headline, JewishPolicyCenter.org, June 3

We Blame George W. Bush 
“Let’s Blame the Market”–headline, WSJ.com, June 40606

We Blame Global Warming 
“San Francisco’s Ice Cream Scene Gets Even Hotter”–headline, New York Times, June 8 issue

What Would We Do Without Experts? 
“Don’t Get Campaign Finance? Experts Recommend Watching More Comedy Central.”–headline, Washington Post website, June 3

Another ObamaCare Success Story

  • “Bowe Bergdahl, U.S. Soldier Held in Afghanistan, in Poor Health Before Release”–headline,CBC.ca, June 1
  • “NBC News Pentagon Reporter: Bergdahl Appears in ‘Remarkably Good Shape’ “–headline,Mediaite.com, June 4

Longest Books Ever Written 
“The Hidden Failure of Obama’s Health Care Overhaul”–headline, RollCall.com, June 3

Life Imitates the Onion

  • “Nation Starting to Realize New Era of American Innovation Never Gonna Happen”–headline,Onion, April 22, 2013
  • “Americans Are Starting to Doubt President Obama Is a Good Boss”–headline, Washington Post website, June 3, 2014

It’s a Cookbook 
“Former Prosecutor in Brooklyn Was Consumed by Campaign, Emails Show”–headline, New York Times, June 4

Cause and Effect

  • ” ’21 Jump Street” Is Right: Environmentalists Are Now the Cool Kids in High School!”–headline,NationalGeographic.com, March 20, 2012
  • “Koalas Hug Trees to Remain Cool, Says Study”–headline, Techsonia.com, June 3, 2014

Problem and Solution

  • “50 Cent’s ‘Animal Ambition’ Comes Up Short”–headline, USA Today, June 3
  • “Humane Society Finds Quarters for Dogs Rescued From Racine County Shelter”–headline,Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, June 2

They Must’ve Croaked 
“Why Crickets on Hawaiian Islands Stopped Singing 20 Years Ago and Never Chirped Again”–headline, TheBlaze.com, June 3

The Lonely Lives of Researchers 
“Researchers Develop Robot That Lets Them Feel Softness of Virtual Breasts”–headline, IEEE Spectrum, June 3

Question and Answer

  • “Mondale Asks Hart: ‘Where’s the Beef?’ “–headline, Times Daily (Florence, Ala.), March 12, 1984
  • “Casey Kasem’s Wife Pelted His Daughter With Raw Meat This Weekend”–headline,Gawker.com, June 1, 2014

Look Out Below! 
“PC Shipments Will Continue to Fall, Says IDC”–headline, CNET.com, June 3

It’s Always in the Last Place You Look 
“3-Day Search for Veteran’s Bed Ends at Jail”–headline, Pantagraph (Bloomington, Ill.), June 4

News You Can Use

  • “Book Warns People to ‘Be Prepared’ “–headline, Commercial-News (Danville, Ill.), June 3
  • “Never Say ‘I Kill White People Like You’ When Asked to Turn Off Your Phone Post-Takeoff”–headline, TheSmokingGun.com, June 3

Metaphor Alert 
“Another Shabby Day for the Marshmallow President: As His Taliban Hostage Swap Sours, Why Obama Is a Pygmy Compared With the Wartime Leader Roosevelt, Says MAX HASTINGS”–headline, Daily Mail (London), June 4

Fox Butterfield, Is That You?

  • “Payouts for the top-earning public school retirees in California are soaring even as districts are being asked to pay more to gird the teachers’ retirement system against a funding crisis.”–Alison Vekshin, Bloomberg, June 4
  • “Rolling Stones to Perform in Israel Despite Pressure From Pink Floyd Members to Cancel”–headline, Washington Post website, June 4

Out on a Limb 
“G.O.P. Nominee for Governor Faces an Uphill Climb in California”–headline, New York Times, June 4

We Blame George W. Bush 
“Don’t Blame Baby Boomers for the Zombie Apocalypse”–headline, Forbes.com, June 5

What Would We Do Without Experts? 
“Body Language Expert: Bowe Bergdahl Seemed Reluctant to Leave Captors”–headline, TheDailyBeast.com, June 4

Generalissimo Francisco Franco Is Still Dead 
“Senators Still Concerned After Briefing on Bergdahl Swap”–headline, USA Today, June 5

The Lonely Lives of Taliban 
“Taliban ‘Was Thrilled’ When Deserter Sgt Bergdahl’s Father Thanked ‘Allah the Merciful’ in his White House Press Conference”–headline, Daily Mail (London), June 5

Longest Books Ever Written 
“What Went Wrong in the Middle East?”–headline, Hurriyet Daily News (Turkey), June 5

Cause and Effect

Problem and Solution

  • “Mr. Potato Head Is Missing”–headline, Bryan (Ohio) Times, Sept. 30, 2003
  • “Missing Tuber Pulled Safely From Lehigh River at Walnutport; 2 Friends Also Rescued”–headline, Morning Call (Allentown, Pa.), June 4, 2014

It’s Duck Season! 
“Judge Upholds Fine in Hare Electioneering Case”–headline, Albany (Ore.) Democrat-Herald, June 3

It’s Wabbit Season! 
“Ontario Leaders Debate: Hudak and Horwath Strong – but Wynne Ducks Fatal Blow”–headline, CBC.ca, June 4

Question and Answer–I

  • “China Is Flattening Hundreds of Mountains. What Could Go Wrong?”–headline, Slate.com, June 5, 2014
  • “Dalai Lama Completes 2-Week Flight Over Mountains to Asylum in India”–headline, Toledo Blade, April 3, 1959

Question and Answer–II

  • “I Want to Be a Librarian. What Will My Salary Be?”–headline, Globe and Mail (Toronto), June 4
  • “No Need to Review Low Wage Levels”–headline, Australian, June 5

Look Out Below! 
“Lawrence Chamber of Commerce Drops Lawrence From Its Name”–headline, Lawrence (Kan.) Journal-World, June 4

It’s Always in the Last Place You Look 
“Inside the Secret Dunkin’ Donuts Hidden Within The Library of Congress”–headline, BuzzFeed.com, June 4

Someone Set Up Us the Bomb 
“Referendum Concerns Flood Park Ridge Meet”–headline, Journal & Topics (Des Plaines, Ill.), June 4

Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control 
“Dangerous ‘Butterfield Effect’ Now Striking Non-Journalists”–headline, PJMedia.com, June 4

Breaking News From 1967 
“There’s a Kind of Hush”–headlne, New York Times, June 5

Breaking News From 1978 
“Jeff Bell for Senate”–headline, New York Sun, June 5

News You Can Use 
“3 Ways to Do Business With Someone Dishonest”–headline, Inc.com, June 4

Bottom Story of the Day 
“Steyer Launches Dishonest Attack on Keystone”–headline, PowerLineBlog.com, June 4

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Hollande dined separately with Obama & Putin; Like Managing a Wife and a Mistress
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Posted by dailyslog on 05/06/2014 | Short Link

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

  • Tonight was Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals with the L.A. Kings playing the New York Rangers. California Gov. Jerry Brown said if the Rangers win he’ll give New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo a package of rice cakes. Cuomo would give Brown some chicken wing sauce if the Kings win. That’s just crap in their pantries that no one ate.05064
  • French President Francois Hollande will host two dinners tomorrow night, the first one for President Obama, followed by one for Vladimir Putin. Hollande was pretty worried about keeping them separate. Then his girlfriend and his mistress said, “You’ll figure it out.”
  • A Republican candidate for Congress in Arizona — who is white — recently changed his name to Cesar Chavez to appeal to Latino voters. It backfired when Arizona’s governor immediately deported him.
  • The World Cup starts next week. A wildlife center in China says that its baby panda will correctly predict the outcome of the World Cup games. When asked what will happen, the panda said, “None of the stadiums will be ready and all the games will be canceled.”
  • Pope Francis is now telling married couples to have children, because only having pets could lead to anger or bitterness in old age. As opposed to having kids, which leads to anger AND bitterness in old age.
  • Last Friday CNN had its worst 10 p.m. ratings of all time, with only 35,000 viewers tuning in. I left it on for my dog, and when I came back, she was reading a newspaper.
  • CNN got just 35,000 viewers. Even worse, most of those views came from monitors left on in the background on CNN.
  • Tim Tebow said that he’s staying in shape in case he gets another opportunity to play in the NFL. Then his boss said, “That’s great, but these Waffle Tacos ain’t going to make themselves, so . . .”


Conan

  • Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
  • The co-founder of Burt’s Bees was forced out of the company f05062or having an affair with an employee. He says everyone should mind their own beeswax.
  • That’s right, the co-founder of Burt’s Bees was forced out of the company for having an affair with an employee. In his defense, he was just trying to explain to her the story of the Burts and the bees.
  • You want more? Hey, the co-founder of Burt’s Bees was forced out of the company for having an affair with an employee. He was caught during a sting operation.
  • A new study just came out that shows that hurricanes named after women are more deadly. Mainly because when they leave, they take half your stuff.
  • Pope Francis said that married people should have more kids. When asked for comment, married people said the Pope should have a kid and then get back to us.
  • There’s reportedly a film in the works about Edward Snowden. Then today the script was leaked by Edward Snowden.
  • A new report out of Chicago reveals that the crime rate plummets during an NFL game. Mainly because the most dangerous criminals are busy on the field.

The Late Show With David Letterman

  • We bring back a POW, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, from Afghanistan and to get him back we traded five Taliban thugs. And now everybody’s gone crazy. People say it’s the most controversial trade that has taken place since NBC traded me here to CBS.
  • These guys were down in Gitmo and now they get freed after 10 or 15 years. So now they’re released and they get to fly home. And I’m thinking, if you go to the airport and you’re stuck behind these guys in security, good luck.0506
  • When they sent the Taliban thugs back to Qatar, they got picked up in a stretch camel.
  • I hope California Chrome wins horse racing’s Triple Crown this weekend. I’ll tell you why. I really have trouble remembering the Double Crown winners.
  • Lindsey Lohan is moving to London. Before long, she’ll be slurring in a British accent.
  • The United States has traded an American POW for five Taliban prisoners. Originally, the deal included Joe Biden, but the Taliban said no.
  • So these Taliban guys have been down there in Gitmo and now they’re on their way home. They’re flying home. How would you like to get stuck behind these guys at airport security?
  • I think the second term is getting to President Obama. He is saying that he wishes he could be anonymous. And I say: Hey, according to the new approval ratings, you’re pretty close.

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

  • There are rumors that Robert Pattinson from the “Twilight” movies may be the next Indiana Jones. If there is one thing I want with my rugged action heroes, it’s a little bit of sparkle!
  • I think Robert Pattinson would make a great Indiana Jones. Instead of searching for the lost ark, he could go searching for a deal on moisturizer.
  • Instead of battling Nazis, Pattinson could battle flyaway bangs.
  • Today is National Cheese Day. A lot of celebrities are very excited. There’s Monterey Jack Nicholson. Rush Limburger. Brie-oncé. Mozzar-Ellen DeGeneres. And Parma-Sean Connery.
  • President Obama is in Poland. He’s not doing anything official. He just wants to go before Putin invades. Poland shares a border with Ukraine, which shares a border with Russia. It’s kind of like living two doors down from Alec Baldwin. Eventually you’re getting attacked, right?
  • Happy birthday to CNN’s Anderson Cooper. Friends threw him a party today. There was an awkward moment when they yelled “Surprise!” and he said, “What, somebody’s watching CNN?”
  • The man who created the drug Ecstasy died at the ripe old age of 88. See, kids? That’s what drugs will do to you.
  • In Massachusetts, a 3-month-old German shepherd drove his owner’s car into a pond. Let me be the first to say, “Bad dog!”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

  • This summer marks the 75th anniversary of Little League Baseball. Or to put it in Little League terms, six innings.
  • This week Tom Brady’s 18,000-square-foot L.A. mansion was sold to Dr. Dre for $40 million. Now, $40 million might sound like a lot, but remember, he’s a doctor.
  • A new study shows hurricanes with female names are more fatal because people subconsciously assume that they are less dangerous. Though I’d bet people would evacuate pretty quickly for Hurricane Solange.
  • The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group has posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you’ve gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you’re wearing too many scarves.
  • Donald Sterling is now facing another lawsuit after a former aide filed for sexual harassment yesterday. Apparently, he told her she was so sexy that he wouldn’t mind if she brought black guys to Clippers games.
  • Yesterday French President Francois Hollande announced that he will be having two consecutive dinners on Thursday night in order to keep President Obama and Vladimir Putin separate. It’s an old trick he learned from having a wife and a mistress.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!05063

  • Statistics for the 47 most damaging hurricanes revealed that those with female names killed twice as many people. The study found that when a hurricane has a woman’s name we take it less seriously and don’t prepare as well. Either that or the female hurricanes want to hang around and cuddle afterwards.
  • Last week Apple bought Beats headphones for $3 billion. Guess what? They already lost it. They think they left it on the plane.
  • Yesterday Apple unveiled its new operating system for the Mac Yosemite. It monitors your heart rate, weight, and sleep — and if you sit on it, it can give you a colonoscopy.
  • A new book called “Rebels: City of Indra” from Kylie and Kendall Jenner was released today. That’s right. Kylie and Kendall Jenner wrote a book, according to loose definitions of the words “wrote” and “book.” Listen, I agree to keep up with the Kardashians, but my contract said nothing about having to keep tabs on the Jenners too.
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BK Slogan: “Be Your Way”; What am I, Ordering a Whopper or Coming Out to my Family?
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Posted by dailyslog on 23/05/2014 | Short Link

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

  • Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, “We’ve been expecting you.”23051
  • Kraft is recalling more than a million cases of cottage cheese because they weren’t stored at the right temperature. Isn’t that how you MAKE cottage cheese?
  • Researchers have found that eating two large meals helps you lose more weight than eating six small meals. Or as doctors put it, “Please just exercise.”
  • A Russian businessman has been ordered to pay his wife $4.5 billion in what is being called the world’s most expensive divorce. Then L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling said, “Stay tuned.”

 


Conan

  • The FBI has reversed its policy and will now hire people who have smoked pot in the past three years. When asked why, the FBI said, “Because we couldn’t find anyone who hasn’t smoked pot.”
  • In Nashville a woman named Peyton Manning was arrested for possession of cocaine. Either that or football’s Peyton Manning likes to switch things up.
  • In a new interview, Angelina Jolie said she would not rule out running for office someday. She said she will wait until her children are grown and make up 51 percent of the voting population.

 


The Late Show With David Letterman

  • It’s Fleet Week here in New York City. All the armed forces are here, 1,500 military personnel. They’re here to defend us against Godzilla.
  • Fleet Week is great for me personally because it’s the only time I can walk around New York City and not feel stupid wearing my little sailor outfit.
  • A new study proves that women love men in uniform. You know, unless it’s a Mets uniform.
  • 2305Judge Judy was on all night long in prime time here on CBS. S
    he makes about $50 million a year. Now to be fair, most of that is from bribes.

 


The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

  • It’s the first day of Fleet Week. Fleet Week is when New York City honors its men in uniform — unless they play for the Mets.
  • During Fleet Week, New York City gets pretty rowdy. All that yelling, drinking, and raising hell. And then when they’re done taping “The View,” Fleet Week starts.
  • It’s also National Waiter and Waitress Day. So be extra nice to your server. Say “Thanks, sugar” and give them a little slap on the butt.
  • Mr. T turns 62 today. Mr. T was so beloved in the 1980s he had his own breakfast cereal. They had to pull it off the shelves though. Kids kept breaking their teeth on the little crunchy gold medallions.

 


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

  • On “Dancing With the Stars,” double amputee Amy Purdy, who has not one but two artificial legs, made it all the way to the final two and then she lost to an Olympic gold medal-winning ice dancer. Is that fair? I don’t think it is.
  • Good news for fans of “Frozen.” Disney announced this fall they w
  • 23052ill debut a live show called “Frozen on Ice.” I haven’t seen it, but wasn’t “Frozen” already on ice?
  • For 40 years Burger King has been saying “Have it your way” in their ads. They’re changing the slogan from “Have it your way” to “Be your way.” I don’t get it. Am I ordering a Whopper or coming out to my family?
  • I would be mad if I was in charge of supplies for Burger King. Because they’re changing two words in the slogan, I now have to print 8 trillion new cups. Does Burger King know that they could not even have a tag line and as long as they have hamburgers literally no one would care?

 


Late Night With Seth Meyers

  • It’s Fleet Week in New York. And you know what that means: Next week is Penicillin Week.
  • One day after recalling 2.4 million vehicles, GM has announced it’s recalling another 218,000 Chevy Aveos. Apparently, their defect is that they’re Chevy Aveos.
  • Yesterday a group of 50 Brooklyn school kids gave an impromptu recorder recital on the subway during morning rush hour. Because sometimes New York is full of great surprises and other times it’s full of children playing the recorder on the subway in the morning.
  • Golfer Rory McIlroy broke off his engagement to a pro tennis player, Caroline Wozniacki, days after sending out wedding invitations. Because he realized that, to her, love means zero.
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