Rolling Stones 2015 tour – Only stadiums with ramps
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Posted by dailyslog on 03/04/2015 in Late Night Humor | Short Link

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

  • President Obama has reduced the sentences of 22 federal prisoners who were arrested for drug-related crimes — eight of whom were serving life sentences. It marks the first time someone has said “Thanks Obama” but actually meant it.
  • Rand Paul is taking a week-long break from talking to the media to spend time with his family before he officially announces that he is running for president. Because nothing motivates you to be on the road03-041 for two straight years like a week alone with your family.
  • The White House announced that President Obama will attend a summit in Kenya this July. When asked if he’s ever been to Kenya, Obama said, “Of course. I was born — no, bored — over there. There’s nothing to do in Kenya.”
  • According to a new study, the marijuana in Colorado is almost twice as strong as it was 20 years ago. Of course, people had some questions for the scientists, like “How can I get your job?”
  • Taco Bell is replacing the “Waffle Taco” with its new “Biscuit Taco,” which is a taco-shaped biscuit filled with eggs, sausage, or chicken. That story again: Weed is twice as strong as it used to be.
  • According to a new poll, Republicans are more likely to have a doughnut for breakfast, while Democrats prefer to eat bagels and croissants. While Independents are that annoying friend who’s still looking at the menu after 15 minutes.

 


Conan

  • Indiana’s governor is coming under fire for a new law that some people feel is anti-gay. The governor now says he is not anti-gay. Then immediately afterwards he said, “April Fools.” It wasn’t his best joke.
  • For the first time, a vegan gluten-free bakery has opened at Disney World. The place is called “It’s a Sad World After All.”
  • A 95-year-old man has officially become the world’s oldest pilot. He’s also become the first pilot to fly at 25 miles per hour.03-042
  • As of this week, the only state that President Obama has not visited while in office is South Dakota. Residents of South Dakota said they’re looking forward to President Obama or any black person visiting soon.
  • Nigeria just held their election and their incumbent president, whose actual name is Goodluck Jonathan, lost the race. He was beaten by his rival, Betterluck Jonathan.
  • A Kentucky woman has been arrested for giving a 1-year-old child beer and rum. She broke the Kentucky rule — never mix beer and liquor.
  • In Thailand, a man has been sentenced to 25 years in jail for insulting the king on Facebook. This does not bode well for next year’s Comedy Central roast of the king of Thailand

 


The Late Show With David Letterman

  • It’s April Fools’ Day. So be careful. And don’t forget to turn back your clocks.
  • Here’s what my son did to me today. I forgot it was April Fools’ Day. He switched my Lipitor with my Flomax.
  • The world’s oldest person died at 117. That moves me up to No. 7.
  • President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, “While you’re there, pick up your birth certificate.”
  • The Atlanta Falcons have been fined and lost a draft pick for using fake crowd noise through their loudspeaker system at the stadium. The New York Jets do not use fake crowd noise, but they do have a laugh track.
  • Al Gore is 67 years old today. Al Gore, 67 candles on his cake. There’s your global warming.
  • It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they’re finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can’t get enough gridlock.
  • Here’s the latest on the Iran deal. Iran says they will not make nuclear weapons if the U.S. doesn’t make more movies with Seth Roge03-043n and James Franco.

 

[I’m just hoping to make the final four]


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

  • I am the host of the show. My name is Bobby. Just kidding, it’s Jimmy. April Fools.
  • Today is April Fools’ Day. Do you know that Brazilian wax that women get? That was a prank. That started on April Fools’ Day.
  • In Indiana, state legislators played a hilarious April Fools’ prank on gays and lesbians. They convinced them they’d passed a law that would let businesses discriminate against them.
  • The world’s oldest person passed away. So now the title of oldest person alive belongs to Gertrude Weaver, a 116-year-old woman from Arkansas. Not only is Gertrude the oldest woman in the world, she is the only woman in the world still named Gertrude.
  • McDonald’s is going to test all-day breakfast at their restaurants in San Diego. Which means stoners now have absolutely no motivation to get up before 10:30.03-04
  • All-day breakfast is good for McDonald’s customers, but I think it’s sad for the workers. It seems to me the most fun part of their job was telling people that breakfast is over.
  • Has anyone ever had pancakes and French fries together? What would happen if you did?
  • In England, Princess Kate started her maternity leave. Isn’t her whole life maternity leave?

 


Late Night With Seth MeyersYou’ve all heard about the Indiana religious freedom law? Some people think it’s anti-gay. Well, presidential hopefuls Jeb Bush, Ted Cruz, and Scott Walker have all come out in favor of the new law. Well, I guess I shouldn’t say “come out.”

  • It’s being reported that Kim Kardashian may be pregnant. Or maybe she was just standing backwards.
  • A new guide for airport security urges agents to look for whistling, recently shaved beards, and excessive yawning. Which I guess explains why I saw two TSA agents frisking each other.
  • The Rolling Stones have announced a new North American stadium tour. If you want to know if they’re coming to your city, find out if your stadium has a ramp.
  • It’s so unfair. Mick Jagger dances around for three hours. He’s fine. I ran up the stairs today and had to shut it down for half an hour.
  • The Cincinnati Reds have debuted the first in-stadium nursery for moms and babies. So if you’re arguing with your wife about going to a game, and you need a solution that makes everyone happy, this is definitely not it.
  • Less than a week after leaving the band One Direction, Zayn Malik has released his first solo song. It’s called “Oh No, What Have I Done?”
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Don’t Park in NYC w/o a lawyer
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Posted by dailyslog on 16/02/2015 in Uncategorized | Short Link

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon02-165

  • A tell-all book by David Axelrod, one of President Obama’s former strategists, reveals that Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. You know, the qualities you look for in someone whose main job is traveling to state funerals.
  • Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. Wait, those are the same reasons he picked his dog, Bo.
  • Russia announced a new law that lets them delay the release dates for Hollywood movies if they conflict with Russian movies. They’ve actually been doing this for years. For example, they delayed the release of “Kung Fu Panda” for the Russian movie “Death Bear Kill Everyone.”
  • They also delayed “Frozen” for the Russian movie “Summer in Russia.”

 


Conan

  • A new poll says NBC News anchor Brian Williams has fallen from No. 23 to No. 83 on the list of most trustworthy celebrities.
  • It’s a huge fall that puts him right between Kanye West and V02-164oldemort.
  • NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he’s not worried because soon his veterans’ benefits will kick in.
  • A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can’t remember where they put it.
  • Charles Manson has officially broken off his engagement to his 27-year-old fiancee. When asked why, Manson said, “Her mother was a total psycho.”

 


The Late Show With David Letterman

  • I was going over a memo earlier today, and I found out that it turns out I’m not retiring. My hair is retiring.02-163
  • Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.
  • I was backstage talking to the Super Bowl’s winning coach, Bill Belichick. We were standing there looking in a mirror and we agreed that we look like those two old guys who used to heckle the Muppets.
  • We invited Pete Carroll, coach of the Seahawks, to be on the show, but he passed.

 


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

  • NBC suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay for misrepresenting a story of something that happened to him 12 years ago in Iraq. I have a solution. They should send him up in a helicopter, fire an RPG at it, and if he makes it down, that’s enough. He’s forgiven.
  • Brian already has been on a self-imposed leave of absence from NBC, reportedly planning to spend his six months away at home with his wife, Wendy Williams.16-021
  • This year men will spend an average of $116 on Valentine’s Day. And women will spend around $77. In other words, guys, unless you have the good sense to be gay you’re getting ripped off.
  • The Powerball jackpot is at $500 million as of tonight. If you win, take the lump sum — about $337.8 million. That is the most money you can make for doing nothing, short of becoming a Kardashian.

 


Late Night With Seth Meyers

  • A lawmaker in Tennessee is pushing to make the Bible the official state book. It would replace Tennessee’s current state book, the menu at Cracker Barrel.
  • A woman was arrested this week after she admitted to purchasing gasoline, driving to her ex-boyfriend’s house, and using it to set his new girlfriend’s car on fire. She’s now facing five years in prison and up to three Country Music Awards.
  • A man in Florida was charged with possession of marijuana after police noticed a “green leafy substance” all over his sweater. But then they realized it was kale and they shot him.16-02
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SI Swimsuit Issue — For Guys who haven’t discovered the internet
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Posted by dailyslog on 05/02/2015 in Uncategorized | Short Link

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

  • Hillary Clinton is weighing in on the measles outbreak. She tweeted: “The Earth is round, the sky is blue, and vaccines work.” She didn’t stop there. She also tweeted, “Fire is hot, ice is cold, and the Seahawks shou02-053ld have handed the ball off to Marshawn Lynch.”
  • The CDC announced that there are currently 102 measles cases in the U.S. Some say it’s because people aren’t vaccinating their children. You can tell things are getting bad. Today Disneyland opened a new ride called “It’s a Smallpox World.”
  • Remember that dancing shark from Katy Perry’s Super Bowl halftime show? A guy in Colorado actually got a tattoo of the shark. That story again: Weed is still legal in Colorado.

 


Conan

  • Tom Brady says he wants to give the truck he was given as the Super Bowl MVP to the guy who won the Super Bowl for the Patriots. So Brady’s giving his truck to Seahawks coach Pete Carroll.
  • Health officials are saying the number of measles cases that originated in Disneyland continues to grow. Which is why this year after the 02-05game the Super Bowl MVP shouted, “No way am I going to Disneyland!”
  • Staples has agreed to buy Office Depot for $6 billion. The funny thing is they just popped in there to buy envelopes and then they just got carried away.
  • Johnny Depp is getting married this weekend. It’ll be a small wedding, just the people who saw “Mortdecai.”

 


The Late Show With David Letterman

  • Lance Armstrong and his girlfriend were out at a party and he02-052 accidentally banged into two parked cars. So then he told the cops that his girlfriend was driving. That’s the kind of thing that can hurt the man’s image.
  • Cops took Lance Armstrong downtown and frisked him — or as they call it, the “Tour de Lance.”
  • Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to “President Trump.”
  • I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame.

 


Late Night With Seth Meyers

  • The city of Boston today held its Super Bowl victory parade. Meanwhile, the city of Seattle held Seahawks coach Pete Carroll out a window by his ankles.
  • Staples has reached a deal to buy Office Depot for $6.3 billion. Whil02-051e RadioShack has reached a deal to buy an old futon on Craigslist.
  • The new Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue comes out next week. That’s especially exciting news for guys who don’t know about the Internet.
  • Last weekend a Washington, D.C., couple allegedly left their toddlers in a freezing car for an hour while they were at a wine tasting. The couple has been described as neglectful with notes of endangerment and a lazy reprehensible finish.
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