The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
- A tell-all book by David Axelrod, one of President Obama’s former strategists, reveals that Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. You know, the qualities you look for in someone whose main job is traveling to state funerals.
- Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. Wait, those are the same reasons he picked his dog, Bo.
- Russia announced a new law that lets them delay the release dates for Hollywood movies if they conflict with Russian movies. They’ve actually been doing this for years. For example, they delayed the release of “Kung Fu Panda” for the Russian movie “Death Bear Kill Everyone.”
- They also delayed “Frozen” for the Russian movie “Summer in Russia.”
- A new poll says NBC News anchor Brian Williams has fallen from No. 23 to No. 83 on the list of most trustworthy celebrities.
- It’s a huge fall that puts him right between Kanye West and Voldemort.
- NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he’s not worried because soon his veterans’ benefits will kick in.
- A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can’t remember where they put it.
- Charles Manson has officially broken off his engagement to his 27-year-old fiancee. When asked why, Manson said, “Her mother was a total psycho.”
The Late Show With David Letterman
- I was going over a memo earlier today, and I found out that it turns out I’m not retiring. My hair is retiring.
- Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.
- I was backstage talking to the Super Bowl’s winning coach, Bill Belichick. We were standing there looking in a mirror and we agreed that we look like those two old guys who used to heckle the Muppets.
- We invited Pete Carroll, coach of the Seahawks, to be on the show, but he passed.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
- NBC suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay for misrepresenting a story of something that happened to him 12 years ago in Iraq. I have a solution. They should send him up in a helicopter, fire an RPG at it, and if he makes it down, that’s enough. He’s forgiven.
- Brian already has been on a self-imposed leave of absence from NBC, reportedly planning to spend his six months away at home with his wife, Wendy Williams.
- This year men will spend an average of $116 on Valentine’s Day. And women will spend around $77. In other words, guys, unless you have the good sense to be gay you’re getting ripped off.
- The Powerball jackpot is at $500 million as of tonight. If you win, take the lump sum — about $337.8 million. That is the most money you can make for doing nothing, short of becoming a Kardashian.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
- A lawmaker in Tennessee is pushing to make the Bible the official state book. It would replace Tennessee’s current state book, the menu at Cracker Barrel.
- A woman was arrested this week after she admitted to purchasing gasoline, driving to her ex-boyfriend’s house, and using it to set his new girlfriend’s car on fire. She’s now facing five years in prison and up to three Country Music Awards.
- A man in Florida was charged with possession of marijuana after police noticed a “green leafy substance” all over his sweater. But then they realized it was kale and they shot him.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
- Hillary Clinton is weighing in on the measles outbreak. She tweeted: “The Earth is round, the sky is blue, and vaccines work.” She didn’t stop there. She also tweeted, “Fire is hot, ice is cold, and the Seahawks should have handed the ball off to Marshawn Lynch.”
- The CDC announced that there are currently 102 measles cases in the U.S. Some say it’s because people aren’t vaccinating their children. You can tell things are getting bad. Today Disneyland opened a new ride called “It’s a Smallpox World.”
- Remember that dancing shark from Katy Perry’s Super Bowl halftime show? A guy in Colorado actually got a tattoo of the shark. That story again: Weed is still legal in Colorado.
- Tom Brady says he wants to give the truck he was given as the Super Bowl MVP to the guy who won the Super Bowl for the Patriots. So Brady’s giving his truck to Seahawks coach Pete Carroll.
- Health officials are saying the number of measles cases that originated in Disneyland continues to grow. Which is why this year after the game the Super Bowl MVP shouted, “No way am I going to Disneyland!”
- Staples has agreed to buy Office Depot for $6 billion. The funny thing is they just popped in there to buy envelopes and then they just got carried away.
- Johnny Depp is getting married this weekend. It’ll be a small wedding, just the people who saw “Mortdecai.”
The Late Show With David Letterman
- Lance Armstrong and his girlfriend were out at a party and he accidentally banged into two parked cars. So then he told the cops that his girlfriend was driving. That’s the kind of thing that can hurt the man’s image.
- Cops took Lance Armstrong downtown and frisked him — or as they call it, the “Tour de Lance.”
- Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to “President Trump.”
- I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
- The city of Boston today held its Super Bowl victory parade. Meanwhile, the city of Seattle held Seahawks coach Pete Carroll out a window by his ankles.
- Staples has reached a deal to buy Office Depot for $6.3 billion. While RadioShack has reached a deal to buy an old futon on Craigslist.
- The new Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue comes out next week. That’s especially exciting news for guys who don’t know about the Internet.
- Last weekend a Washington, D.C., couple allegedly left their toddlers in a freezing car for an hour while they were at a wine tasting. The couple has been described as neglectful with notes of endangerment and a lazy reprehensible finish.
Too Much Information
“Erdogan Wants to Be Like Queen Elizabeth”—headline, Agence France-Presse, Feb. 1
And America Used to Lead the World
“Obama: ‘I Used to Be Youthful and Attractive’ ”—headline, TheHill.com, Jan. 30
Out on a Limb
“Biden: ‘The Past Six Years Have Been Really, Really Hard for This Country’ ”—headline, Weekly Standard website, Jan. 30
Other Than That, the Story Was Accurate
“An earlier version of this article misstated when Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel accepted Speaker John A. Boehner’s invitation to address Congress. He accepted after the administration had been informed of the invitation, not before.”—New York Times, Jan. 30
Other Than That, the Metaphor Was Accurate
“The article originally misstated that homeowners who arrived before the drawbridge was lowered see their homes grow in value. The gentrifying homeowners raise the metaphorical drawbridge to keep their neighborhoods exclusive.”—Slate.com, Jan. 31
Fox Butterfield, Is That You?
- “Atlantic City Struggles Despite Christie’s Deep Involvement”—headline,Associated Press, Jan. 31
- “More students than ever are going to college. But the nation’s overall college graduation rate has stayed low.”—Danielle Paquette, Washington Post website, Jan. 30
- “The size and sway of the anti-vaccine movement reflect a chilling disregard for science—or at least a pick-and-choose, cafeteria approach to it—that’s also evident, for example, in many Americans’ refusal to recognize climate change,”—Frank Bruni, New York Times, Feb. 1
- “Cuban Youth Build Secret Computer Network Despite Wi-Fi Ban”—headline,Associated Press, Jan. 31
We Blame George W. Bush
“Mitt Romney Drops Out of Race, Jeb Bush Suddenly Exposed as ‘Pot-Smoking Bully’ ”—headline, Twitchy.com, Jan. 30
We Blame Global Warming
“Democrats Won’t Like Why the Job Market Is So Hot”—headline, Business Insider, Jan. 31
With DNC in Mind, City Bans Carrying Urine, Feces
“At Retreat, Dem Staffers Escort Reporters to Restroom”—headline, Politico.com, Jan. 30
“Kim Jong-Un Likens Obama’s Remarks on North Korea to Barking Rabid Dogs”—headline, International Business Times, Jan. 31
At the Adult Table
“David Brooks: The Middle East: Support the Good, Oppose the Bad”—headline, Monterey (Calif.) Herald, Jan. 31
They Didn’t Listen
- “Wright Resigns, Urges End to This ‘Mindless Cannibalism’: Speaker Declares Innocence in Impassioned House Speech”—headline, Los Angeles Times, June 1, 1989
- “The Left Is Slowly Devouring Itself”—headline, PJMedia.com, Jan. 31, 2015
Shortest Books Ever Written
“How Political Correctness Makes Us Funnier”—headline, Daily Beast, Feb. 1
Make That 8
- “How to Kiss: 7 Sure-Fire Ways to Ruin a Smooch”—video title, Puffington Host Canada, Feb. 2
- “Barack Obama’s French Kiss-Off”—headline, Politico.com, Jan. 11
Make That 70
- “69 Movies So Bad, They’re Actually Damn Good. Our Authoritative Bad Movie List”—headline, India Times, Jan. 23
- “If Hillary Clinton Decides Not to Run in 2016, How Bad Would It Be for Democrats?”—headline, Washington Post website, Feb. 1
Make That Two
- “THEATER REVIEW: ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ ”—headline, San Diego Gay and Lesbian News, Jan. 26
- “Ashley Judd Goes ‘Cuckoo’ for Hillary, the ‘Most Overqualified Candidate We’ve Had Since Thomas Jefferson’ ”—headline, NewsBusters.org, Jan. 30
Make That 11
- “10 Reasons Christian Heaven Would Actually Be Hell”—headline, Salon.com, Feb. 1
- “Rotterdam 2015 Review: In STINKING HEAVEN Everything Rotten Is Good”—headline, TwitchFilm.com, Jan. 31
Make That 31
- “‘30 Lessons for Loving’ Taps Into Wisdom of Elderly”—headline, Chicago Tribune, Jan. 27
- “McDonald’s Offering the Chance to ‘Pay With Lovin’ ’ ”—headline, Cox Media Group, Feb. 1
Cause and Effect
- “Ernst Speech Reveals Iowa’s Love of #Breadbags”—headline, Des Moines Register, Jan. 22
- “Jeb Bush Is Already Toast in Iowa: Poll”—headline, Salon.com, Feb. 1
Problem and Solution—I
- “Ohio Delays All 2015 Executions as It Tries to Find Drugs”—headline,NBCNews.com, Jan. 30
- “2 People in Ohio Charged With Smuggling Drugs Inside of Bible”—headline,Associated Press, Jan. 17
Problem and Solution—II
- “Chickens Come Home to Roost for de Blasio”—headline, New York Post, Jan. 31
- “Chick Food Hunting Hints at Possible Human-Like Number Organization”—headline, ArsTechnica.com, Feb. 1
Generalissimo Francisco Franco Is Still Dead
“I Interviewed Bashar al-Assad About Syria’s Civil War. He’s Still Too Delusional to End It.”—headline, Washington Post, Feb. 1
Hypothesis and Example
- “Mathematical Proof That the Media Is Sexist and Bad at Math”—headline,Cracked.com, June 21, 2012
- “Chicks Place Low Numbers on the Left”—headline, BBC website, Jan. 29, 2015
He’ll Face a Trial Before a Kangaroo Court
“Zoo Director Was Warned of Danger to Wallabies”—headline, Virginian-Pilot (Virginia Beach), Jan. 31
Questions Nobody Is Asking
“What Do Cheerleading and Football Have to Do With Science and Diplomacy?”—headline, DipNote (U.S. State Department), Feb. 1
Question and Answer—I
- “What’s the Reason Behind Obama’s Criticism of the Huffington Post [sic]?”—headline, Puffington Host, Jan. 31, 2015
- “He Read the Whole Thing”—headline Poynter.org, June 28, 2005
Question and Answer—II
- “Hillary Clinton Has Been M.I.A. Lately—and Here’s Why”—headline,ABCNews.com, Jan. 26
- “ ‘Hide’ Your Donkey”—headline, News on Sunday (Lahore, Pakistan), Feb. 1
Question and Answer—III
- “What Is White Noise?”—headline, HowStuffWorks.com, undated
- “Challenging the Whiteness of Public Radio”—headline, KUOW-FM website (Seattle), Jan. 30
Question and Answer—IV
- “What Is the Opposite of ‘Head Start’?”—headline, WordHippo.com, undated
- “Meet the Two New Yorkers Who Are Starting a Preschool for Adults”—headline, Village Voice website, Jan. 30
Question and Answer—V
- “What Causes Some Galaxies to Eject Their Gas Into Space and Die Young”—headline, ScienceWorldReport.com, Feb. 2, 2015
- “Space Burrito Recipe Revealed by Astronauts”—headline, Space.com, Sept. 11, 2009
It’s Always in the Last Place You Look
“How a Jewish Israeli Soprano Found Holiness in Front of the Pope”—headline, Times of Israel, Feb. 2
“Time for Pet Insurance to Cast Off the Shadow of Groundhog Day Syndrome, Says Aquarium”—headline, Aquarium Software press release, Feb. 2
Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control
“Exclusive: Obama’s Post-Presidential Slogan: ‘Eight Years Is Only the Beginning’ ”—headline, Chicago Sun-Times website, Feb. 1
News of the Tautological
- “Super Bowl Music: Katy Perry Plays to Her Audiences”—headline, Chicago Tribune, Feb. 1
- “Consumer Spending Falls in December, Despite Cheaper Gasoline”—headline,New York Times website, Feb. 2
Breaking News From 2010
“Imagine an America where the White House and Congress got along—and all the terrible things they would do to us.”—subheadline, Daily Beast, Feb. 1
Bottom Stories of the Day