The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
- Father’s Day congratulations to Kanye West, who is a new father. Kim Kardashian gave birth to a baby girl. Kim was in labor for six hours, thus marking the first time the words Kardashian and labor have ever been used together in the same sentence.
- The doctor said when he slapped Kim’s baby, he regretted that he couldn’t slap the entire family.
- Kim says she wants to keep the baby out of the public eye. In fact, the E! network is developing a new show called, “Keeping the Baby Out of the Public Eye With the Kardashians.”
- This day marks the 42nd anniversary of the war on drugs. Today our partners in Mexico observed it with a moment of silence followed by hours of laughter.
The Late Show With David Letterman
- Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are parents of a baby girl. Does it have any chance at a normal life? Here’s what they should do. They should put her in a rocket and launch her to another planet, and hope she’s discovered by Ma and Pa Kent.
- The new Superman movie, “Man of Steel,” is a different look at Superman. It’s about Superman’s struggles as a guy. I guess we all knew this, but I didn’t realize how tough it was — he’s kryptonite intolerant.
- Do you remember the evil dictator of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? They had
elections and he’s out. And you thought Ahmadinejad was in a bad mah-mood before. He’s really in a bad mah-mood now.
- Edward Snowden is the guy who leaked all of the NSA secrets. He had a 98-minute press conference today and yet they can’t find the guy. This is the biggest manhunt since Martha Stewart started online dating.
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
- Over the weekend Kanye West and Kim Kardashian had a baby girl, or as they call it, a spin-off. The birth was witnessed by friends, family, and 150 cameramen.
- Scientists say that by the year 2045 we can all be immortal. It involves putting your brain into a robot. But why do we need to figure out how we will live forever? Can’t we just ask Larry King?
- This immortality technology sounds like a contemporary search for the Fountain of Youth. Ponce de Léon, the Spanish explorer, searched for the Fountain of Youth in the 16th century. Nobody knows if he ever found it, but he died in 1521. So I’m guessing no.
- Scientists say the key to preserving immortality is the brain. Just my luck. The one part of my body I need to preserve is the one I spent my youth actively destroying.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
- On Saturday, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West welcomed their new baby girl. Yeah, today I saw Kanye wearing a shirt that says “World’s Greatest Dad.” He didn’t get it as a gift. He just bought it for himself.
- Kim says that she’s just glad the baby is healthy, happy, and was born before Kate Middleton’s baby.
- During an interview, a UFC fighter referred to LeBron James as a dork. When he heard that, LeBron said, “Would a dork wear a headband, a shirt tucked into his shorts, and knee-high socks?”
Breaking News From 2017
“Returning Home to Hawaii After Years Abroad”–headline, Hawaii Business, June issue
Get in Line
“On Europe Trip, Obama Will Face a Continent Frustrated by His Actions and Inaction”–headline, Washington Post, June 17
News You Can Use “Carolyn Hax: A Friendly Reminder: Every Child Is Different”–headline, Washington Post, June 17
Two Papers in One!
- “Once again [Turkey's Prime Minister Recep Tayyip] Erdogan, in handling a crisis that began with a relatively minor urban development issue but morphed into a broad uprising against his rule, had inserted himself in a matter that in other countries would have long been settled by a local planning board.”–New York Times, June 14, 2013
- “Hours after Vice President Joseph R. Biden Jr. vowed unyielding American support for Israel’s security here on Tuesday, Israel’s Interior Ministry announced 1,600 new housing units for Jews in East Jerusalem. Mr. Biden condemned the move as ‘precisely the kind of step that undermines the trust we need right now.’ ”–New York Times, March 10, 2010
Fox Butterfield, Is That You?
“Despite a shortage of U.S. primary care doctors, less than 25 percent of new doctors go into this field, and fewer still work in rural areas, researchers say.”–United Press International, June 15
“Kevyn Orr was given just 18 months to clean this mess up and he’s alreadyburned 90 days of that. Everyone seems to agree that there isn’t any room for long term wringing of hands or dancing with the traditional power figures in the city. Thehouse is already on fire, so it’s a bit late in the game to be talking about how manysmoke detectors you should have installed. Orr has reportedly told all of the city’s creditors that Detroit is in ‘a death spiral‘ and Moody’s has marked down the Motor City’s bonds to below grade level. The unions and other public sector interests can either come to the table for vastly reduced portion of payments or they can stand in the road and allow the entire thing to collapse.”–”Jazz Shaw,” HotAir.com, June 16
Out on a Limb
- “Israel Skeptical New Iran President Can Ease Tensions”–headline, USA Today, June 16
- “Creditors Concerned as Insolvent Detroit Close to Bankruptcy”–headline, NewsMax.com, June 16
- “Graduates From Low-Performing D.C. Schools Face Tough College Road”–headline,Washington Post, June 17
- “The Distinct, Positive Impact of a Good Dad”–headline, TheAtlantic.com, June 14
“Do You Trust This Man? Like Bush before him, President Obama faces a credibility crisis.”–headline and subheadline, NationalJournal.com, June 17
What Would We Do Without Experts?
“Experts Warn Eyeball Licking Trend Can Injure the Eye, Damage Sight”–headline, ABCNews.com, June 14
Longest Books Ever Written
“Bad Idea, Mr. President”–headline, New York Times, June 16
Life Imitates ‘The Simpsons’
- Lisa: [childishly giggles] “Uncle Mayor was just saying that us kids are the most important natural resource we have.” Kent: “More important than coal?” Quimby: [uncertain] “Uh, yes”–dialogue from “Sideshow Bob Roberts,” aired Oct. 9, 1994
- “Obama on Fatherhood: ‘It’s the Best Job I’ve Got’ ”–headline, Associated Press, June 14, 2013
Generalissimo Francisco Franco Is Still Dead
“Mandela Remains in a Hospital”–slideshow title, Washington Post website, June 15
The Lonely Lives of Scientists
“Bee Sperm Bank: Scientists Saving Bees by Freezing Their Semen”–headline, ABCNews.com, June 15
Hey, Kids! What Time Is It?
- “Time to Rewrite the Rules of Politics”–headline, Kansas City Star, June 14
- “David Cameron: ‘It Is Time to Look Again at GM Food’ ”–headline, Daily Telegraph (London), June 14
- “Forget the G-8. It’s Time for the D-10″–headline, The Wall Street Journal, June 17
Questions Nobody Is Asking
- “Did Ritalin Make Kids in Quebec Dumber?”–headline, NewRepublic.com, June 14
- “Can a Show About Murdering Women Actually Be Feminist?”–headline, Salon.com, June 16
- “Can America rediscover its open-borders roots?”–subheadline, Reason, July issue
- “Are Women Turned On by Pictures of Naked Men?”–headline, Slate.com, June 17
Question and Answer
- “Soylent: Is the ‘Food of the Future’ Really a Nutrition Solution?”–headline, Time.com, June 10
- “For Belgium’s Tormented Souls, Euthanasia-Made-Easy Beckons”–headline, The Wall Street Journal, June 15
- It’s Always in the Last Place You Look
“New Zogby Study Finds Utica a Welcoming Community”–headline, Zogby Analytics press release, June 17
Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control
“NSA Talks to IRS About Keeping eServices Open”–headline, AccountingToday.com, June 14
Someone Set Up Us the Bomb
- “Op-Ed: Israeli ‘Peace’ Generals’ ‘Military Expert’ Malpractice”–headline, Arutz Sheva website (Israel), June 16
- “Bill Schools Barry on Syria”–headline, New York Times, June 16
News of the Tautological
“Let’s Talk About Sex: Why More Babies Means More Economic Growth”–headline, Forbes.com, June 13
Bottom Stories of the Day
- “Prince William May Have Little to No Indian Ancestry”–headline, DiscoverMagazine.com, June 14
- “Chelsea Clinton Endorses Mom: We Need a Woman in the White House”–headline,Washington Examiner, June 14
- “Al Gore Presses Obama on Carbon Rules, Calls Keystone an ‘Atrocity’ ”–headline,TheHill.com, June 16
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
A 97-year-old man from New York who just received his high school diploma. Turns out there’s a problem. Apparently he’s only reading at a 95-year-old level.
Yesterday President Obama spoke at the LGBT pride month celebration at the White House. He promised that as long as he is president, all Americans, regardless of their sexual orientation, will be spied on equally.
Edward Snowden, the 29-year-old guy behind this NSA spy scandal, said in an interview that he is not in hiding. Which would have carried a lot more weight if he hadn’t made the announcement from an undisclosed secret location.
The Taliban is now recruiting women to become suicide bombers. And it’s not easy to qualify. The women must be able to push a car loaded with explosives because, as you know, they’re not allowed to drive over there.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A big movie is opening today — “Man of Steel.” People in Hollywood are saying it could make $100 million this weekend. To give you an idea how much that is, take the amount of money that the new Will Smith movie made and add $100 million.
Superman is played by Henry Cavil, who is British. I’m not sure why all our iconic American figures are being played by foreigners. We’ve got a Superman from Britain, a Batman from Britain, a Spider-Man from Britain, and a president from Kenya.
As far as I’m concerned, Christopher Reeve will always be the best Superman. Just like Sean Connery will always be the best James Bond. I’d love to see Superman played by Sean Connery. He could just shave an ‘S’ into his chest hair.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama is traveling to Africa later this month, and it’s got some people upset because the trip is expected to cost taxpayers more than 60 million dollars. It’s mostly for security, hotel accommodations — plus Biden wants a giraffe.
Ever since the government’s spying scandal was exposed, sales of the novel “1984” have jumped 6,000 percent on Amazon. Yeah, “1984” shows how scary it would be if society tracked everything you do. And if you want to read it, just buy it on a website that tracks everything you do.