03 Feb 2010
The Slatest
Iran’s Opposition Leader Steps Up Government Criticism
Iranian opposition leader Mir Hussein Moussavi stepped up criticism of the country’s leaders in an interview published on his website on Tuesday, saying the government was using scare tactics to bully people into behaving. Moussavi has been an outspoken member of the Iranian opposition since losing a highly contested election to current President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad last June. Referring to Iran’s 1979 Islamic Revolution, Moussavi said that “The majority of people believed in the beginning of the revolution that the roots of dictatorship and despotism were abolished. I was one of them but now I don’t have the same beliefs. You can still find the elements and roots that lead to dictatorship.” His comments come amid a brutal government crackdown on opposition members, and follow today’s news that nine antigovernment protestors will soon be hanged for “creating disunity.” Two protestors were executed last week for participating in December’s antigovernment riots, and it’s expected that harsher measures will be taken in advance of the upcoming anniversary of the Islamic Revolution.
Source: The New York Times
Read more… | Open in BrowserMullen: Allowing Gays in the Military is the “Right Thing to Do”
Speaking before a Senate panel on Tuesday, Adm. Mike Mullen asked Congress to repeal the military’s Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy, calling the move “the right thing to do.” “No matter how I look at the issue,” Mullen said, “I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens.”Defense Secretary Robert Gates told the panel that he needs the rest of the year to craft an “implementation plan” so as not to create additional problems for the already overburdened troops. But despite the protracted schedule (which confirmed the fears of many gay rights’ groups) Gates added that he will recommend changes within the next 45 days to “enforce this policy in a more humane and fair manner.” “The question before us is not whether the military prepares to make this change, but how we best prepare for it,” Gates told the committee. Tuesday’s hearing comes in the wake of Obama’s promise to repeal the policy during his State of the Union last week. Earlier today, it was revealed that the military will no longer take disciplinary action against soldiers ‘outed’ by third parties. During their testimonies, Gates and Mullen fended off criticism from a number of conservatives—particularly John McCain—who accused them of rewriting law to favor their own politics. (TheWashington Post notes that McCain previously said he would support repealing the ban once military leaders told him to do so).Others, like Senators Carl Levin and Mark Udall, favored the repeal. “You don’t have to be straight to shoot straight,” Udall quipped.
Source: Associated Press
Read more… | Open in BrowserMexico Weighs Crackdown on “Twitteros”
Mexican authorities are crafting legislation to crack down on social networking sites after a popular Twitter feed generated controversy for notifying drunk drivers about the locations of police checkpoints around Mexico City. While officials backed down on a similar proposal last year after it was attacked for violating privacy rights, Mexican legislators now say that the issue extends beyond drunk driving, and that drug cartels and kidnapping rings could start using social networking sites to hunt down potential targets. The bill’s advocates say that the legislation would create a “cybernetic police force” to fight cartels and stop “Twitteros who break the law or help others escape it.” Mexican cartels are known to be particularly tech-savvy (drug-related violence is often publicized on YouTube) and it’s not a major leap to suggest that Twitter could be adapted to violent aims. “Drug traffickers have an intelligence network,” a Mexican security expert told GlobalPost, “and, as far as I know, at this moment in time it’s more effective than ours.”
Source: GlobalPost
Read more… | Open in BrowserStudy: Abstinence Education Might Actually Work
A new study suggests that abstinence-focused sex education actually does convince some teenagers to delay sexual activity, and is the first clear evidence that the strategy works, the Washington Postsays. The report, which was published in the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine, found thatonly a third of sixth- and seventh-graders who finished abstinence programs were having sex within the next two years. In comparison, half of students who completed classes that emphasized contraception in addition to abstinence became sexually active over the same timeframe. The study “takes away the main pillar of opposition to abstinence education,” the Heritage Foundation’s Robert Rector said, and could provide new ammunition for critics unhappy about the Obama administration’s decision to cut funding for abstinence programs. In lieu of blind funding for abstinence programs, the White House has rolled out an initiative to only fund programs that have been scientifically proven to work. Administration officials say that in light of the findings, some abstinence programs may now be eligible for government money. The report comes roughly a month after a Johns Hopkins study found that teenagers who make premarital virginity pledges are as likely to have sex, and less likely to use protection.
Source: The Washington Post
Read more… | Open in BrowserMedical Journal Retracts Influential Autism Study
Medical journal The Lancet has formally retracted a paper published twelve years ago that suggested a link between the measles-mumps-rubella (MMR) vaccine and autism. The retraction followed an investigation by the U.K. General Medical Council’s Fitness to Practice Panel, which characterized the report as “”dishonest”, “irresponsible” and “misleading” and said that lead author Andrew Wakefield acted with “callous disregard” towards the twelve children in the study. Among other things, Wakefield was reprimanded for failing to disclose a conflict of interest involving a patent application, and for his irregular method of selecting participants. The panel also chastised Wakefield for later paying kids at his son’s birthday party in exchange for blood samples. In the 1998 report, Wakefield stated that the MMR vaccine was a “primary cause of autism” and recommended that parents avoid it, leading to an international decline in vaccinations and a resurgence of measles outbreaks. In 2004, 10 of the report’s 13 authors retracted the study’s interpretations, and soon after, The Lancet stated that it should have never published the paper. Authorities will decide if Wakefield gets to keep his medical license in April.
Source: New Scientist
Read more… | Open in BrowserDueling Trademarks Create a Situation
The Smoking Gun reports that the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) has received two—yes, two—a patent applications to trademark “The Situation,” a term used in reference to “Jersey Shore” cast member Mike Sorrentino’s abs. Sorrentino, who is former male stripper, earned the nickname afterremarking on air that “this is The Situation right here, my abs are so ripped up it’s … we call it The Situation.” One of the patents was filed by Las Vegas company “Naughty Limited,” a firm run by Sorrentino’s brother Marc that operates several porn sites. The other was filed by a south Jersey man with big plans to print “The Situation” all over underwear and tracksuits. TSG reports that the Jersey man, Matthew Hunter, formally created his company a month before applying for his patent and filed his application seventeen days before Sorrentino did. No word yet on how this situation will turn out.
Source: The Smoking Gun
Read more… | Open in BrowserPentagon Requests $56 Billion for “Black Budget”
Within the Defense Department’s $708 billion budget for the coming fiscal year, roughly $56 billion has been set aside for the Pentagon’s secretive “black budget,” Wired’s Danger Room blog estimates, which could make it one of the largest on record. Wired’s Noah Shachtman and Katie Drummond arrived at this figure by adding up line items marked “classified” or those designated by code names, such as “Chalk Eagle” or “Link Plumeria.” According toAviation Week’s Bill Sweetman, last year’s black budget was the “largest-ever” at $50 billion (actually $54 billion if you include wartime spending), and this year’s spending is set to exceed that number by 3.7 percent. Overall, the Defense Department requested $15 billion more than it did last year.According to the Pentagon, the extra money will go towards helicopters, special operations, unmanned aerial vehicles, and family support programs.
Source: Wired’s Danger Room Blog
Read more… | Open in BrowserGroundhog Predicts Six More Weeks of Winter
Punxsutawney Phil, arguably the world’s most famous groundhog, predicted six more weeks of winter on Tuesday after crawling out of his burrow and seeing his shadow. Phil’s prognosis was then officially confirmed by his keepers, the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, who announced the news to an already chilly crowd of more than 12,000 peoplein Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Phil has been predicting the weather since 1887 (the Inner Circle attributes his rather abnormal lifespan to a mysterious “elixir of life”) but this year marked the first time he broadcast his announcement via text message. Unfortunately, Phil’s Twitter account was recently hacked, so Groundhog Day tweets will have to wait until next year. According to the U.S. National Climatic Data Center (NCDC), Phil is only accurate about 40 percent of the time, but that hasn’t stopped him from drawing enormous annual crowds to the Western Pennsylvania town. ”Groundhog Day is a lot like a rock concert, but the people are better behaved and there’s a groundhog involved,” the editor of a local newspaper remarked.
Source: National Geographic
Read more… | Open in BrowserDavid Brooks: The Elderly “Are Our Future”
David Brooks is obviously not a politician. His latest New York Times column goes after the most unassailable segment of the electorate: senior citizens. Brooks actually praises old fogeys for being great as individuals: they volunteer, play with their grandchildren, and make life better for the people around them. He quotes George Vaillant as saying that “biology flows downhill” and posits that “we are naturally inclined to serve those who come after and thrive when performing that role.” But Brooks believes that when it comes to politics, old folks have it backwards. “Far from serving the young, the old are now taking from them,”he writes. The federal government spends $7 on the elderly for each $1 it spends on children. Government spending on Medicare and Social Security squeezes spending on education. The higher taxes needed to pay for senior citizens’ entitlement programs limit job growth and opportunities for young people. But if old folks are what ails us, they are also the only cure. Brooks says young people don’t have the political power needed to change the system, so “only the old can lead a generativity revolution.” He admits that, “it may seem unrealisitc — to expect a generation to organize around the cause of nonselfishness. But in the private sphere, you see it every day.” They only problem? In order to get organized, they’re going to have to use theInternet.
Source: The New York Times
Read more… | Open in BrowserBill Clinton to Coordinate International Relief Efforts for Haiti
U.N. sources tell Reuters that former president Bill Clinton will be formally appointed the international coordinator for relief efforts in Haiti this week. Clinton was the “obvious choice” for the job, given his vast network of fundraising contacts and his well-documented affection for Haiti. Clinton has already made one visit to the earthquake-ravaged country, and last week he solicited donations for relief efforts among world leaders in Davos. Although Clinton is a natural fit for the job, his appointment could create more headaches for American officials who already have their hands full trying to convince Haitians that the U.S. is not going to run their country for them. On Sunday, a Haitian laborer told a Washington Post reporter, “I want the Americans to take over the country. The Haitian government can’t do anything for us… When we tell the government we’re hungry, the government says, ‘We’re hungry, too.’”
Source: Reuters
Read more… | Open in BrowserWeeks After Quake, Haitians Hold Mass Funeral
Weeks after an earthquake killed 200,000 people in Haiti, a few busloads of people left Port-au-Prince for a mass grave where as many as 80,000 bodies were dumped in the days immediately after the quake. There, dozens of people performed funeral rites for the unknown thousands of people who had been buried, singing Haitian hymns and tying black ribbons to a large wooden cross to represent the dead. Many of the mourners had lost family members, but they knew the chances of them ever knowing for sure where they had been buried were slim. “We felt there was a need for a mass funeral,” one mourner told an al Jazeera reporter who recorded video of the event. “They were burying the dead with no dignity.”
Source: Al Jazeera
Read more… | Open in BrowserPalin: Fire Rahm Emanuel
Sarah Palin wants to talk about President Obama’s “mind-boggling, record-smashing” federal budget, but first she wants to talk about his chief of staff. Palin posted a note to her Facebook page Monday night announcing that she had been informed (by a fellow “patriot”) that Rahm Emanuel called an idea he didn’t much like “fucking retarted.” This happened in August, according to the Wall Street Journal, but having just gotten wind of it, Palin is calling on President Obama to dimiss his chief of staff (who apologized last week). “I would ask the president to show decency in this process by eliminating one member of that inner circle, Mr. Rahm Emanuel, and not allow Rahm’s continued indecent tactics to cloud efforts. Yes, Rahm is known for his caustic, crude references about those with whom he disagrees, but his recent tirade against participants in a strategy session was such a strong slap in many American faces that our president is doing himself a disservice by seeming to condone Rahm’s recent sick and offensive tactic,”Palin writes. “Just as we’d be appalled if any public figure of Rahm’s stature ever used the ‘N-word’ or other such inappropriate language, Rahm’s slur on all God’s children with cognitive and developmental disabilities – and the people who love them – is unacceptable, and it’s heartbreaking.”
Source: Facebook
Read more… | Open in BrowserArmy Vet: “The Military is Ready for Gays”
As Secretary Gates and Admiral Mullen prepare to testify before the Senate on a potential repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, some analysts are already predicting disaster if the United States allows gays to serve openly in the military. Others believe there will be no disaster because there will be no repeal, at least not without years of Pentagon foot-dragging. But D.B. Grady, writing for the Atlantic Politics Channel, says we should ignore the naysayers. “The United States military is institutionally prepared today – at this very moment – for the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” he says. Grady, a former Army paratrooper and Afghanistan vet, says the military already has the policies in place that will be needed to effectively police a DADT repeal. Rules on sexual harassment, discrimination, and sexual relations in combat zones won’t have to be modified, simply extended to gay men and lesbians. He rejects the notion that allowing openly gay individuals to serve openly will lead to a meltdown of unit cohesion. “Close-knit infantry units already eat together, sleep together, shower together, share open restroom facilities, and fight, bleed, and die together,” he writes “A good soldier who admits that he or she is gay might expect a ribbing, but it’s hard to see a unit collapsing over such news. Indeed, it’s hard to see a unit surprised at such news.”
Source: The Atlantic Politics Channel
Read more… | Open in BrowserAll Eyes on Illinois As Primary Votes Get Underway
The residents of the Prairie State aren’t the only people keenly interested in the outcome of several Illinois primaries being held today. With the voting only just begun, commentators are already breaking down potential outcomes and speculating about what Illinois’ votes say about the American electorate. The possibility that President Obama’s former Senate seat could end up in the hands of a Republican is tantalizing to conservative voters, as is the fact that there are two Tea Party-approved candidates in that race. But Josh Marshall sees the senatorial primary as a likely defeat for Tea Partiers. The moderate (some might even say RINO) Rep. Mark Kirk is poised for a primary win, blowing a hole in the theory that Tea Party candidates will pick off mainstream Republicans and make things easier for Democrats in general elections. As for Democrats, Gail Collins eviscerates a generally weak slate of candidates but says that if voters choose fomer inspector general David Hoffman, it will prove “the hunger for change extends beyond Tea Partyists and disgruntled independents, into the very heart of the regular Democrats.”
Source: The New York Times
Read more… | Open in BrowserIt’s Avatar vs. The Hurt Locker at the 2010 Oscars
The Hurt Locker will take on Avatar at the 2010 Academy Awards in what the New York Daily News calls a “David vs. blue Goliath battle.” Kathryn Bigelow’s independent Iraq war documentary is the David to her ex-husband James Cameron’s sci-fi/fantasy, “the most expensive movie of all time.” Both movies are nominated for Best Picture, and Bigelow and Cameron are each nominated for Best Director. Their movies are joined in the Best Picture category by eight other films; this is the first time the category has had 10 nominees. (The others are Precious, Inglourious Basterds, Up in the Air, The Blind Side, District Nine, An Education, Inglourious Basterds, A Serious Man, and Up. Up in the Air scored big across the board, with nominations for Best Director, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Actor (George Clooney), and two nods in the Best Supporting Actress category (Vera Farmiga and Anna Kendrick). This year’s Academy Awards, which take place March 7, will be hosted by Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, who just starred together in It’s Complicated.
Source: The New York Daily News
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Is That What He Calls It?
“Aide: Sex Tape Shows Edwards’ ‘Arrogance and Hubris’ ”–headline, WRAL-TV Web site (Raleigh, N.C.), Feb. 1
Just Wait for the Accusations of Horse Racism
“Illinois Primary: GOP Jockeys to Make Gains in Obama’s Home State”–headline, Christian Science Monitor, Feb. 1
‘That’s Muslin, Emily. Not Muslim.’ ‘Oh, That’s Very Different. Never Mind.’
“Machine Washes Muslims, Recites Koran”–headline, Herald Sun (Melbourne, Australia), Feb. 1
Call It the Botax
“Wealthy Face Tax Increase”–headline, The Wall Street Journal, Feb. 2
Guess He Wasn’t Kidding
• ”Phil Mickelson Not Taking ‘Cheating’ Accusation Lightly”–headline, Associated Press, Jan. 31
• ”Six More Weeks of Winter, Phil Says”–headline, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Feb. 2
Warning to Truckers: Stay off the Rise
“Heists Targeting Truckers on Rise”–headline, The Wall Street Journal, Feb. 1
Questions Nobody Is Asking
• ”Did Fox News Meteorologist Have a TMI Moment?”–headline, Breitbart.tv, Feb. 2
• ”Is Punxsutawney Phil Hogging the Spotlight?”–headline, The Wall Street Journal, Feb. 2
• ”Does This City Make My Butt Look Big?”–headline, MSNBC.com, Feb. 2
Headlines
The End Is Nigh
“Davos Forum Considers World Economy on Last Day”–headline, Associated Press, Jan. 31
Better to Do It for Money or Fame
“Scientists Say Crack HIV/AIDS Puzzle for Drugs”–headline, Reuters, Jan. 31
Take Away Her Credit Card
“Woman Charged After Son, 5, Found at Gas Station”–headline, Sheboygan (Wis.) Press, Jan. 30
Don’t Let the China Bugs Bite
“China Bugs and Burgles Britain”–headline, Sunday Times (London), Jan. 31
Questions Nobody Is Asking
• ”Do Dogs Need Coats?”–headline, New York Post, Jan. 30
• ”Face of Autism Too White?”–headline, New Haven (Conn.) Register, Jan. 31
• ”Why Not Fix Doctoral Programs in Length?”–headline, MarginalRevolution.com, Feb. 1
• ”Does Slum Tourism Make Us Better People?”–headline, University of the West of England press release, Jan. 30
Organ Saviours Loom as Pigs–Now That Would Be News
“Pigs Loom as Organ Saviours”–headline, Advertiser (Adelaide, Australia), Feb. 2
It’s Always in the Last Place You Look
• ”Gaboon Viper Found in Toronto Apartment”–headline, London (Ontario) Free Press, Jan. 30
• ”Critical Exploit Found in e107 CMS”–headline, CMSCritic.com, Jan. 23
• ”Lizards Found in Man’s Underwear”–headline, WFTS-TV Web site (Tampa, Fla.), Jan. 29
• ”Worth of an Idea Found in Figurative Art”–headline, Statesman Journal (Salem, Ore.), Jan. 31
Too Much Information
“Senate Hopeful Eyes Gillebrand’s Seat”–headline, WSYR-TV Web site (Syracuse, N.Y.), Jan. 31
Somebody Better Alert Security
• ”Candy Crowley to Take Anchor Chair of CNN’s State of the Union”–headline, CNN press release, Jan. 31
• ”Michael Jackson’s Children Steal the Grammy Show”–headline, ActressArchives.com, Feb. 1
Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control
• ”Savage Beagles Terrorize East End”–headline, New York Post, Jan. 31
• ” ’Jersey Shore’ May Hit Hamptons Next”–headline, New York Post, Jan. 31
• ”The Enormous Carbon Footprint of Protecting Pandas”–headline, Investor’s Business Daily Web site, Jan. 29
• ”Jeb Bush Is Back, and Some Think He’s Looking Presidential”–headline, Miami Herald, Jan. 30
News of the Tautological
“Vermont High School Debaters Argue Both Sides of the Issues”–headline, Rutland Herald, Jan. 31
Breaking News From 1935
“Camus Fired Up”–headline, New York Times, Jan. 31
News You Can Use
• ”How to Survive 35,000 Feet–and Survive”–headline, Popular Mechanics, February issue
• ”Lesser-Known iPad Apps: Bra Inserts, Shoulder Pads”–headline, Globe and Mail, Jan. 29
• ”Sticky, Smelly Bag Balm: Problem-Salving for All”–headline, Associated Press, Jan. 31
• ”How to Inflame the Jews of Newton, Massachusetts”–headline, Jerusalem Post, Jan. 28
Bottom Stories of the Day
• ”Some Children Hearing Voices, Study Says”–headline, WTOP-FM Web site (Washington), Jan. 29
• ”Newington’s ‘Save Cedar Mountain’ Group Aims to Do Just That”–headline, New Britain (Conn.) Herald, Jan. 30
• ”Scott Brown Doesn’t Rule Out 2012 Presidential Bid”–video title, Breitbart.tv, Jan. 31
• ”Steele Rules Out 2012 White House Run”–headline, ABCNews.com, Jan. 31
• ”Fishing Dispute Between Canada, Denmark Heats Up”–headline, National Post (Canada), Jan. 31
____________
• In 2008, 137 countries observed a Thanksgiving holiday, down from 152 in 2000.
• In the United States, fewer people work on Thanksgiving than any other day of the year.
• On Thanksgiving, the average American consumes 37 percent more calories than on an average day.
• Fewer Americans eat their main meal at home on Thanksgiving than on any other day of the year.
• Of Americans who eat turnips on Thanksgiving, 72 percent of them do not eat turnips on any other day of the year.
• Composing a 10,000 word document on a non-electric typewriter burns 135 more calories than producing that same document on a computer due to the differences in pressure required for each keystroke.
• The adhesion of Post-it brand sticky notes has increased 55 percent since 1990.
Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control
• ”Swordfish Attack Angolan Oil Pipeline”–headline, Reuters, Feb. 2
• ”Woman Says She Was Groped on Tower of Terror”–headline, Orange County (Calif.) Register, Feb. 1
• ”Hippy Apes Caught Cannibalising Their Young”–headline, NewScientist.com, Feb. 1
News of the Tautological
• ” ’Abstinence-Only’ Delays Sex in Young Teens”–headline, WebMD.com, Feb. 1
• ” ’No Peace With Syria Could Mean War’ ”–headline, Jerusalem Post, Feb. 2
• ”Aging: Higher Co-Payments Tied to Costlier Care”–headline, New York Times, Feb. 2
News You Can Use
“Fish Oil Shows Promise in Preventing Psychosis”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 1
Bottom Stories of the Day
• ”January Not One for the Books”–headline, Omaha World-Herald, Feb. 2
• ”Second Shop for Latvian Products Opens in Tallinn”–headline, Baltic Course, Feb. 1
• ”New Media Help Conservatives Get Their Anti-Obama Message Out”–headline, Washington Post, Feb. 1
• ”White House Blames Bush for Budget Woes”–headline, Salon.com, Feb. 2
Why Obama Got a Dog Instead of a Cat
• ”The plan I’m announcing tonight would meet three basic goals. It will provide more security and stability to those who have health insurance. It will provide insurance for those who don’t. And it will slow the growth of health care costs for our families, our businesses, and our government. . . . Now, add it all up, and the plan I’m proposing will cost around $900 billion over 10 years. . . . Most of these costs will be paid for with money already being spent–but spent badly–in the existing health-care system. The plan will not add to our deficit. The middle class will realize greater security, not higher taxes. And if we are able to slow the growth of health care costs by just one-tenth of 1% each year–one-tenth of 1 %–it will actually reduce the deficit by $4 trillion over the long term.”–President Obama,address to a joint session of Congress, Sept. 9
• ”I mean, the easiest thing for me to do on the health-care debate would have been to tell people that ‘what you’re going to get is guaranteed health insurance, lower your costs, all the insurance reforms, we’re going to lower the cost of Medicare and Medicaid, and it won’t cost anybody anything.; That’s great politics. It’s just not true. So there’s got to be some test of realism in any of these proposals, mine included. I’ve got to hold myself accountable.”–President Obama at the GOP House Issues Conference, Jan. 29
• ”Can a Brain Scan Predict a Broken Promise?”–headline, Scientific American Web site, Feb. 2
• ”Cat Predicts 50 Deaths in RI Nursing Home”–headline, Daily Telegraph (London), Feb. 1
One Promise Kept
• ”And by the way, I want to acknowledge our first lady, Michelle Obama, who this year is creating a national movement to tackle the epidemic of childhood obesity and make kids healthier.”–President Obama, State of the Union Address, Jan. 27
• ”Biting Recession Leaves Ever More Americans Hungry”–headline, Reuters, Feb. 2
Late Night Humor
The Jay Leno Show
The Obama administration has reversed itself and is now considering moving the trial of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. See, they’re going to do an Off Broadway version first, see if people like it. See, then if it does well, then they’ll bring it into the city.
And of course, the terrorists — the terrorists, they want it in Manhattan. A jury of their peers? Sure, a bunch of New York cab drivers. They’d get off like that.
Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape message. Where does he find all these audiotapes, O.K.? You can’t even buy audiotapes anymore. I mean, is there a tiny country in the Middle East called Radioshackistan? Is that where they’re coming from? Where do you — we can’t even play them. We don’t have machines that old.
Great Britain and America now have proposed a half-billion-dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. And if it works there, they’re going to offer the same deal to N.B.A. players.
It was reported today that Goldman Sachs’s C.E.O., Lloyd Blankfein, is getting a $100 million bonus. Goldman Sachs denied it, saying, “Well, no figure has been decided on yet.” You know what that means? He’s getting more. Exactly.
Well, it seems John Edwards’s mistress has gone to court to get a restraining order against the release of a sex tape she made with John Edwards. She says she’s worried it will hurt her career. I thought her career was getting knocked up by presidential candidates. Well, apparently, I’m way out of line. But I don’t care because this show has been canceled.
I am stunned that John Edwards made a sex tape. Do you realize this guy is basically Paris Hilton with better hair? That’s all he is.
And, of course, Edwards has no remorse. Today, he called ABC to see if he could be the next “Bachelor.”
And the state controller warned today that California could be broke by April. I think that’s great news. I thought we were already broke, didn’t you? We got two months worth of money left. Let’s party!
● Britain has raised its terrorist threat level from “a bit apprehensive” to “rather concerned.”
● Britain and the U.S. are proposing a half-billion dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. If it works there, they’re going to offer the same deal to NBA players.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprises In The $3.8 Trillion Federal Budget
10. $3.5 trillion given to committee fighting overspending
9. President now has to pay $25 for each bag he brings aboard Air Force One
8. Cut NASA budget so much, next mission is to New Haven, Conn.
7. Estimate does not include convenience fee of $3.95
6. Government is raising the money by sending out a drunk Rip Torn to rob banks
5. United States pays for Ahmadinejad’s tan windbreakers
4. It allocates $5 billion for a giant wallet to hold all money
3. Don’t tell him, it’s a surprise; but McCain’s getting a new Craftmatic Adjustable Bed
2. $1 billion research grant to figure out what the hell iPad does
1. The naked centerfold of Sen.-elect Scott Brown
Late Show with David Letterman
● J.D. Salinger died this past week. That now makes me the most famous recluse alive.
● President Obama got out of jury duty. No word yet about getting us out of Afghanistan, but still, he got out of jury duty.
● Ben Bernanke was confirmed to serve for four more years. That is, if we have an economy for four more years.
●President Obama got out of jury duty. No word yet about getting us out of Afghanistan.
And here’s big news: United States Senate reconfirms chairman of the Fed. Ben Bernanke was reconfirmed. So he’ll have the job for four more years. I just hope we have an economy for four more years.
Remember when they hanged Saddam Hussein? Well, you remember his buddy, Chemical Ali. Well, he got hanged over the weekend. And his wife was Chemical Shirley. Do you remember Chemical Shirley? I was just wondering is it too soon to hit on Chemical Shirley?
He is the one that killed all the Kurds, Chemical Ali. He shouldn’t be confused with the guy who killed NBC. That was Chemical Zucker.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
● I heard that John Edwards and his wife, Elizabeth, have legally separated. Under the reasons for separation, Elizabeth Edwards just wrote, “See news.”
● The Israeli army is planning to give its soldiers special new socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling. In other words, they created the socks my college roommate thought he had.
● Voters in Switzerland will decide next month if animals should have the right to be represented by lawyers in court. If they approve it, it will finally clear the way for the long-awaited lawsuit of “cat vs. string.”
Answers to Questions Nobody Is Asking
• ”Why Canada Wants to Kick Olympic Butt”–headline, Time.com, Feb. 1
• ”Why I Am Not a Republican”–headline, Bruce Bartlett blog post, Feb. 2
Dog Bills Man–Now That Would Be News
“Cops Bill Owner After Running Over Dog”–headline, Local (Germany), Feb. 1
Look Out Below!
“NASA Drops Moon Plan and Refocuses Vision”–headline, MSNBC.com, Feb. 1
It’s Always in the Last Place You Look
• ”Hitler’s Carpet Found in Yorkshire”–headline, UK Flooring Direct Web site, Feb. 1
• ”Pneumonia Found in 4th Mont. Bighorn Sheep Herd”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 1
• ”Big Hole Found in Security Screening”–headline, Chronicle Herald (Halifax, Nova Scotia), Feb. 1
• ”Early Draft of the Constitution Found in Phila.”–headline, Philadelphia Inquirer, Feb. 2
• ”Sensual Items Found in Special Places”–headline, Daily Titan (California State University, Fullerton), Feb. 1
