Headlines
We Blame Global Warming
- “11.3 Million Homeowners Underwater on Mortgage”–headline, Marketwatch.com, Feb. 23
- “Angry Snowmen Protest Tax Rises”–headline, Metro.co.uk, Feb. 24
- “Richardson, Suns Snap Thunder Win Streak at 9″–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 24
- “ESPN Suspends Kornheiser for Comments About Storm”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 23
He Has the Hat to This Day
“ ’Fake Medal’ Man’s Case Dropped”–headline, BBC Web site, Feb. 23
‘Those Americans Are Disgusting, but Somehow I Agree With Them’
“US Offensive yet to Persuade Afghans in Key Town”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 23
What About the 13th Amendment?
“Students Are Sold on Double-Decker Bus”–headline, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Feb. 24
The Lonely Life of a Farmer
“Ontario Farmers Embrace Water Buffalo”–headline, Toronto Star, Feb. 24
This Could Turn Into a Movement
“Call Out for Volunteers to Help With Bowel Syndrome Study”–headline, Edmonton Journal, Feb. 24
‘Uh, Mr. Westin, Where Are You Going With That Knife?’
“ABC News to Cut Hundreds of Staff Members”–headline, New York Times Web site, Feb. 23
But It Cost an Arm and a Leg
“Prof Lauded for his Work Preventing Amputation Prevention”–headline, Arizona Daily Star (Tucson), Feb. 23
Keep Your Young Away From Bears
“Notre Dame’s Young Might Interest Bears”–headline, Chicago Tribune, Feb. 20
At That Age, They Ought to Be Retired Anyway
“100-Plus Kaneland Teachers to Get Layoff Notices”–headline, Beacon-News (Aurora, Ill.), Feb. 23
That’s What All the Blinged-Out, Floor-Wrecking Breakdancers Say
“Blinged-Out, Floor-Wrecking Breakdancer: ‘I’m Innocent’ ”–headline, RentedSpaces.com, Feb. 23
Questions Nobody Is Asking
- “Should Chevy Corvette Have 2 Versions?”–headline, Detroit Free Press, Feb. 21
- “Do Soldiers Drink Tea?”–headline, The American Interest Web site, Feb. 21
- “Does This Spooky Image Show Ghost Boy Watching Builders Demolish His Old School?”–headline, Daily Mail (London), Feb. 23
- “God’s Running Mate in 2012?”–headline, CBC.ca, Feb. 23
- “Can Mao Asada’s Time Have Passed if It Never Happened?”–headline, Chicago Tribune, Feb. 22
- “Why Won’t Anyone Clean Me?”–headline, The Wall Street Journal, Feb. 24
Answers to Questions Nobody Is Asking
- “Olbermann Responds to Dallas Tea Party’s Invitation: No Thanks”–headline, Newsbusters.org, Feb. 24
- “11 Things You Didn’t Know About Rielle Hunter”–headline, TheWeek.com, Feb. 23
Vultures Help Woman Rid Home of Boy Scouts–Now That Would Be News
“Boy Scouts Help Woman Rid Home of Vultures”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 23
Government Isn’t Tired of Voters–Now That Would Be News
“Voters Aren’t Tired of Government”–headline, NationalJournal.com, Feb. 23
Look Out Below!
- “National Health Lab Drops PE Pathologist”–headline, Herald (Port Elizabeth, South Africa), Feb. 24
- “Chargers Drop Tomlinson”–headline, Arizona Daily Star (Tucson), Feb. 23
It’s Always in the Last Place You Look
- “New Species of Dinosaur Found in Utah Rock”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 23
- “New Floating Garbage Patch Found in Atlantic Ocean”–headline, Daily Telegraph (London), Feb. 24
Too Much Information
- “Bill Clinton: Spec. Prosecutors ‘All Got Waxed’ ”–headline, Politico.com, Feb. 23
- “Whitney Houston ‘Dreadful’ Down Under”–headline, CBSNews.com, Feb. 23
Someone Set Up Us the Bomb
“University TV Show Mocking Blacks Sparks Freeze”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 23
Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control
- “Anti-Smoking Advert With Sexual Innuendo Shocks French”–headline, Daily Telegraph (London), Feb. 24
- “Girl Scouts Warn of Cookie Sale Impostors”–headline, CBSNews.com, Feb. 23
- “Chicken Falls in Love With a Dog”–headline, Worthington (Minn.) Daily Globe, Feb. 24
- “50 Million Strong, Diverse Millennials Have Arrived”–headline, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Feb. 24
Breaking News From 411 B.C.
“Nationwide Strike Paralyzes Greece”–headline, The Wall Street Journal, Feb. 24
News You Can Use
- “Researcher: Curvy Women Like a Drug to Men’s Brains”–headline, Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Feb. 24
- “Puppet Cleavage a No-No for Colorado Bus Shelter Ads”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 24
- “Racy, Racist BlackBerry Texts Can Cost You Your Job”–headline, von.com, Feb. 22
Bottom Stories of the Day
- “Winfrey’s Best Friend Says She’ll Miss Her TV Show”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 24
- “Miss Beverly Hills Lauren Ashley Opposes Same Sex Marriage”–headline, FoxNews.com, Feb. 23
- “Charlie Sheen Checks Into Rehab”–headline, TMZ.com, Feb. 23
- “National Labor Leaders Back AFGE in Effort to Organize Screeners”–headline, Government Executive, Feb. 23
- “Nigerian Politician Accused of Embezzling $100M”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 23
- “New Law Won’t Change Much at Apostle Islands”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 22
We Blame Global Warming
• ”Skating Duo’s Story Warms Up Chinese Winter”–headline, CNNGo.com, Feb. 20
Afghanistan’s Answer to John Kerry*
“Colonel Imam: ‘I Have the Green Beret but the Taliban Beret Is Better’ ”–headline, Times (London), Feb. 23
* The haughty, French-looking Massachusetts Democrat who by the way served in Vietnam.
View of the World From 8th Avenue
“An earlier version of this Op-Ed misstated Senator John Ensign’s state. He is senator of Nevada, not Arizona.”–correction, New York Times, Feb. 22
Why? It’s Not as if He Drives Anymore.
“Bid to Strip President of License Stirs Concern”–headline, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Feb. 23
Life Imitates Monty Python
• ”Nursing Home Residents Form a Biker Gang”–headline, WMAQ-TV (Chicago), Feb. 23, 2009
Lifer Imitates the Puffington Host
• ”A lifelong con man imprisoned in Wisconsin worked with associates outside the walls to operate a suspected diploma mill that was recruiting students for at least two years until authorities uncovered the scheme.”–Associated Press, Feb. 22
‘But First, the Princess Has to Kiss Me’
“Peruvian Poison Frog Reveals Secrets of Monogamy”–headline, BBC Web site, Feb. 22
What if the Computers Get Dirty?
“Pa. School District Is Asked Not to Wipe Computers”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 22
Too Late for Peyton Manning
“Pediatricians Call for a Choke-Proof Hot Dog”–headline, USA Today, Feb. 22
If There’s No Content, Is It Really a Message?
“Former Trooper Pleads No Content to Messaging Teen”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 23
That Means ‘Inside the Womb,’ in Case You’re Not Bilingual
“Bilingual Acquisition Begins in Utero, Study Finds”–headline, Globe and Mail (Toronto), Feb. 17
Questions Nobody Is Asking
• ”Dalai Lama: Who’s Tiger Woods?”–headline, People.com, Feb. 22
Bunny Kills Bear That Ate Police–Now That Would Be News
“N.J. Police Kill Bear That Ate Pet Bunny”–headline, WCBS-TV Web site (New York), Feb. 23
Look Out Below!
“Analysis: Proposed State Cuts Could Roll Downhill”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 22
It’s Always in the Last Place You Look
“Mom Finds Snake Head in Frozen Green Beans”–headline, FoxNews.com, Feb. 23
Too Much Information
“Boner From ‘Growing Pains’ Still Missing in Vancouver”–headline, USA Today, Feb. 23
Someone Set Up Us the Bomb
• ”Own the Podium Dream Over: Canadian Official”–headline, Canadian Press, Feb. 22
Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control
• ”U.S. Governors Sing Praises of Canada”–headline, National Post, Feb. 21
• ”The Quiet Dignity of Rielle Hunter”–headline, Newsweek.com, Feb. 22
News of the Tautological
“Marijuana Use by Seniors Goes Up as Boomers Age”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 22
Breaking News From 1970
“Wiimote-Controlled Robot Drum Circle Makes Human Hippies Obsolete”–headline, Popular Science Web site, Feb. 19
Bottom Stories of the Day
• ”Indiana’s Mitch Daniels ‘Open’ to a White House Run”–headline, Washington Post Web site, Feb. 22
• ”New Climate Agency Head Tried to Suppress Data, Critics Charge”–headline, FoxNews.com, Feb. 22
