Late Night Humor
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
● It was on this day that Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back by members of the Senate, ironically, while pleading for healthcare.
● President Obama turned the heat up on Congress to pass healthcare reform. He’s telling Democrats if they don’t vote for this bill, he will campaign for them in November.
● President Obama announced that he will establish two brain trusts to double U.S. exports over the next five years. You know what our leading export is right now? Jobs.
● As part of an art project, 31 life-sized nude male statues will be set up all around Manhattan. They’re so lifelike, Eric Massa tried to tickle three of them.
It seems The Journal of Neurology reports that the longer you smoke, the less likely you are to develop Parkinson’s disease. So what are they telling us? Follow me guys. Remember, a couple of months ago, doctors said drinking a glass of alcohol every day was good for your heart. Smoking prevents Parkinson’s disease. Marijuana is good for glaucoma. Sex is good for your prostate. You know, screw health care. Let’s party!
And in World News, the tension between the White House and Israel is at its highest level in 30 years. Israel wants to build more houses in its territory, and the Obama administration wants them torn down. Here’s the solution: You build the houses, but let Countrywide give everybody an adjustable rate mortgage. They’ll be foreclosed on and out of there by July.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Spend Too Much Time On Twitter
10. You miss son’s soccer game waiting for Lady Gaga to post what she had for lunch
9. You answer the phone: “Twello?”
8. You’ve spent millions developing iPhone waterproofing technology so you can tweet in the shower
7. You haven’t touched your CB radio in months
6. You ask yourself, “What would Jesus tweet?”
5. You sleep-tweet
4. No No. 4 � writer on Twitter
3. You stopped paying attention to this list after the first 140 characters
2. Even Ashton Kutcher thinks you tweet too much
1. Walked in on the landscaper “retweeting” your wife.
Late Show with David Letterman
● Everyone is exhausted from daylight-saving. You actually lose two hours, if you include the one you’re losing right now.
● Everyone moved their clocks ahead, including the Taliban. They moved it up to the 11th century.
● President Obama announced over the weekend that he gets 20,000 letters per day calling him an idiot. I said, “Welcome to the club.”
● In all fairness, a lot of those letters come from Dick Cheney.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
● On Saturday, the Chicago River was dyed green in honor of St. Patrick’s Day. Also in honor of St. Patrick’s Day, New York’s East River will remain green.
● In his weekly radio and Internet address, President Obama called for an overhaul of the “No Child Left Behind” law. It will now be called, “The World Needs Janitors Too.”
● President Obama talked about healthcare reform at a senior center in Strongsville, Ohio today. The most common question he got: “When’s bingo?”
● In his new interview, Gov. Paterson said he hired a criminal defense lawyer not because he’s guilty of anything, but to get “the best possible advice.” That sounds believable. That’s like telling your girlfriend you got an STD test just because you were bored.
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Abba was just inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. If Elvis wasn’t dead, this just killed him.
Phil Spector is appealing his second-degree murder conviction. This marks the first time in years the phrase “Phil Spector is appealing” has been used in a sentence.
They haven’t yet caught the thieves who stole $75 million in anti-depressants in California. But we’re sure when they do, they won’t be too unhappy about it.
The opera “Anna Nicole” will open in London next February. This is being described as the one opera that husbands drag their wives to. – Alex Schubert, Cincinnati
