Headlines

Posted by admin on 31/03/2010 | Short Link

We Blame Global Warming

  • “President Signs D.C. Snowstorm Disaster Declaration”–headline, Associated Press, March 24
  • “Bees in More Trouble Than Ever After Bad Winter”–headline, Associated Press, March 26

‘They Drew First Blood, Not Me’
“Rambo Changing Roles With Humana”–headline, Business Journal of Milwaukee, March 23

Though It Works Extremely Well in Pakistan
“Extreme Notes: Drone Questionable Against Green Bay”–headline, Pantagraph (Bloomington, Ill.), March 24

The Tweet That Gave It Away: ‘BTW I svd in Vietnam #truthfightsback’
“Obama Twitter Account ‘Hacked by Frenchman’ “–headline, BBC Web site, March 24

This Isn’t Even a Real Sport
“China Officials Wrestle Publicly Over Currency”–headline, New York Times, March 26

An Odd Set of Priorities

  • “NYC Transit Board Cuts Subway Line, Bus Routes”–headline, Associated Press, March 24
  • “Subway to Roll Out U.S. Breakfast Menu April 5″–headline, Associated Press, March 25

Illegal Aliens Are Stealing Office Supplies!
“Making a Foreign Staple Work Back Home”–headline, New York Times, March 24

It’s Cheaper Just to Buy a Bottle of Booze
“No Bars at Home? AT&T to Offer $150 Fix”–headline, Associated Press, March 24

Hair of the Dog
“Police: Man Tried to Revive Dead Possum; Alcohol Involved”–headline, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, March 26

Questions Nobody Is Asking

  • “Will Porn and PETA Be Octomom’s Latest Saviors?”–headline, Associated Press, March 25
  • “Bill Clinton: Funniest President Ever?”–headline, TheWeek.com, March 23
  • “Is There a Rising Tide of Bowel Prep Lawsuits?”–headline, Outpatient Surgery Magazine, March

Answers to Questions Nobody Is Asking
“Koreans Don’t Have Big Faces, Study Finds”–headline, Chosun Ilbo (South Korea), March 26

Look Out Below!
“Venezuela Dams Keep Falling”–headline, Times (Johannesburg, South Africa), March 26

It’s Always in the Last Place You Look

  • “Possible New Human Ancestor Found in Siberia”–headline, Reuters, March 24
  • “Billions of Stars Found in Distant Heavens”–headline, FoxNews.com, March 25

Too Much Information

  • “Discharging Gays to Draw More Scrutiny in Military”–headline, Associated Press, March 25
  • “Mercedes Playing With External Airbags”–headline, Detroit Free Press, March 25
  • “How the TSA Will Inspect Your Monkey”–headline, BoingBoing.net, March 24

Someone Set Up Us the Bomb

  • “Robbinsville Schools Chop More Jobs to Weather Aid Storm”–headline, Times (Trenton,N.J.), March 24
  • “Victoria Stab Death Police Arrest 20 Teenagers”–headline, BBC Web site, March 26

Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control

  • “Israeli Rabbis Warn About Fake Passover Matzah”–headline, Associated Press, March 24
  • “Facebook ‘Linked to Rise in Syphilis’ “–headline, Daily Telegraph (London), March 24
  • “The Way Old Friends Do? Abba Offers Hope to New Generation of Fans With Reunion Hint”–headline, Times (London), March 26
  • “KFC Diner Told ‘You Can’t Have Bacon in Your Burger Here–We’re Now Halal’ “–headline, Daily Mail (London), March 25
  • “Bam’s Triple-Diplo-Whammy Day”–headline, New York Post, March 26

News of the Tautological
“More Rain Ups Risk of Flooding”–headline, Topeka (Kan.) Capital-Journal, March 25

Breaking News From 279 B.C.
“Oracle Is Quick to Recover”–headline, The Wall Street Journal, March 25

Breaking News From 1865
“Lincoln Shooting Under Investigation”–headline, WCAX-TV Web site (Burlington, Vt.), March 25

Breaking News From 2008
“McCain, Palin to Campaign Together in Arizona”–headline, Associated Press, March 26

News You Can Use

  • “Ask Yourself, What’s in Your Lipstick?”–headline, Bulletin (Bend, Ore.), March 25
  • “Mumbai One of Best Places to Have a Midlife Crisis”–headline, Indian Express, March 26
  • “Flavonoids and Carotenoids Are Not as Stable After Processing as Iridoids”–headline, Tahitian Noni International press release, March 25

Bottom Stories of the Day

  • “Texans Won’t Appear on HBO’s Hard Knocks”–headline, Houston Chronicle, March 24
  • “Senate Dems Reject GOP Amendments”–headline, Washington Examiner, March 24
  • “Osama bin Laden, in Tape, Threatens to Kill Americans”–headline, Reuters, March 25
  • “NPR Ditches ‘Pro-Life’ Label in Favor of Left-Leaning ‘Abortion Rights Opponent’ “–headline, NewsBusters.org, March 25

We Blame Global Warming
“Tanning Beds Taking Heat”–headline, Tonic.com, March 27

Welcome, President Biden
” ‘Obama Resigned to Nuclear Iran’ “–headline, Jerusalem Post, March 28

They Took Our Yobs!
“Brown Promises Yob Crackdown and a Million Skilled Jobs as He Unveils Five Key Election Pledges”–headline, Daily Mail (London), March 27

Talent on Loan From God, Though His Mind Is Not for Rent
“Rush to Be Ushered Into Cdn Songwriters’ Hall of Fame”–headline, Canadian Press, March 28

Certainly a Fitting Name
“Texas Strip-Club Tax Called Naked Money Grab”–headline, The Wall Street Journal, March 26

It Shouldn’t Matter How She Was Dressed
“Man in Thong Attacks Woman in Hooksett”–headline, New Hampshire Union Leader, March 22

You Can Indict a Ham Sandwich
“Man Jailed Over Assault With a Cheese Sandwich”–headline, Daily Mirror (London), March 26

How Many Arenas Can You Fit in a House, Much Less a Halfway House?
“Wizards’ Arenas Gets 30 Days in Halfway House”–headline, Associated Press, March 26

Who’ll They Eat Now?
“Sharks Lose Joe Thornton”–headline, Globe and Mail (Toronto), March 28

2nd Prize Is 2 Books Mixing Math, Crochet
“Book Mixing Math, Crochet is Winner”–headline, Boston Globe, March 27

Fool Me Once, Shame on You . . .
“Alive Man Who Was Declared Dead, Dies in Hospital”–headline, Associated Press, March 28

Questions Nobody Is Asking

  • “Did Shakespeare Write His Plays Alone?”–headline, Financial Times, March 26
  • “Opinion: Are We Really Ready for a Better Ketchup Packet?”–headline, AOLNews.com, March 26

Dog Blames Expert for Human Bites–Now That Would Be News
“Expert: Humans Often to Blame for Dog Bites”–headline, Tallahassee Democrat, March 29

It’s Always in the Last Place You Look

  • “Some States Find Burdens in Health Law”–headline, New York Times, March 27
  • “Ancient Doorway to Afterlife Discovered in Egypt”–headline, Agence France-Presse, March 29

Help Wanted
“First ‘Prostidude’ Leaves Shady Lady Ranch”–headline, Las Vegas Review-Journal, March 25

Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control

  • “Ludacris Could Be Coming to Your Door”–headline, Atlanta Journal-Constitution Web site, March 28
  • “Microbes Thrive in Harsh, Mars-Like Lakes”–headline, NewScientist.com, March 26
  • “Lesbian Holocaust Memorial Plan Upsets Historians”–headline, Local (Germany), March 25
  • “Undersea Volcano Could Destroy Italy ‘as Soon as Tomorrow,’ Expert Warns”–headline, Australian, March 30
  • “Dems Likely Didn’t Read the Bill Before Passing and Signing It”–headline, Washington Examiner, March 26

News of the Tautological
“GOP Ideology Driving Republican-Led Legislature’s Agenda”–headline, Miami Herald, March 28

Breaking News From 1861
“Call Issued for Civil War Volunteers”–headline, Associated Press, March 28

Breaking News From March 20
“GM to Add Shift at Oshawa Plant to Meet Equinox Demand”–headline, Detroit News, March 26

News You Can Use

  • “Bacon and Cheesecake Have an Effect on the Brain Similar to Heroin and Cocaine: Study”–headline, National Post (Canada), March 28
  • “Why It’s OK to Love Styx”–headline, Salon.com, March 27
  • “Staff Editorial: What You Don’t Know Could Kill You”–headline, Miami Hurricane (University of Miami, Coral Gables, Fla.), March 28

Bottom Stories of the Day

  • “Gulf Stream ‘Is Not Slowing Down’ “–headline, BBC Web site, March 29
  • “Barbara Bush Hospitalized for Routine Tests”–headline, CNN.com, March 28
  • “Arabs to Unite Against Israel at Annual Summit”–headline, Agence France-Presse, March 27
  • “Biden Says Obama’s Troubles Rooted in Failures of Bush Years”–headline, Dallas Morning News, March 26

Most Right for Once
“Health Care Law Too Costly, Most Say”–headline, USA Today, March 30

See No Evil (Except on the Other Side)

  • “Albermarle County GOP’s Headquarters Vandalized”–headline, WBDJ-TV Web site (Roanoke, Va.), March 26
  • “Brick Smashes Michigan GOP Office Window”–headline, Associated Press, March 29
  • “Norman Leboon, Accused of Threatening to Kill Rep. Eric Cantor, Donated to Barack Obama’s Presidential Campaign”–headline, OpenSecrets.org, March 29
  • “The danger of political violence in this country comes overwhelmingly from one direction–the right, not the left.”–Eugene Robinson, Washington Post, March 30

‘Let Me Be Clear: It’s the First Day of the Rest of My Life’
“First Thoughts: Obama on ‘Today’ “–headline, MSNBC.com, March 30

More Violence Against Republicans
“Pilot With Jon Voight Being Shot in Dallas”–headline, Associated Press, March 29

More People in Prison Despite Declining Crime Rates
“Despite Olbermann Being Out, March Is Best Month for ‘Countdown’ This Quarter”–headline, MediaBistro.com, March 30

Don’t Know Much About Geography
“US Wants Canada to Stay in Afghanistan”–headline, Associated Press, March 29

Maybe They Put ‘American’ on Their Census Forms
“Six-Week Search Finds No Asian Carp in Chicago Waters”–headline, Associated Press, March 29

If She Can’tspell ‘Taranto,’ She Must’ve Just Gotten Luckey
“V-i-c-t-o-r-y! Toronto Girl Wins Second Consecutive Canspell Spelling Bee”–headline, CanWest News Service, March 28

Hercules Strikes Again
“Police to Investigate Why 7 Heads, Torso Shipped to KCK Facility”–headline, KCTV Web site (Kansas City), March 30

Questions Nobody Is Asking

  • “Is Soda Bad for Sperm?”–headline, FoxNews.com, March 30
  • “The Current Economic Crisis–Is Islamic Finance a Solution?”–headline, Puffington Host, March 29

Fish Kills Journalist–Now That Would Be News
“Danish Journalist on Trial for Killing Fish With Shampoo”–headline, Daily Telegraph (London), March 26

Look Out Below!
“Sump Pumps Flying Off Local Shops’ Shelves”–headline, Daily News (Newburyport, Mass.), March 30

It’s Always in the Last Place You Look

  • “Underwear Found in Berwyn Mailbox”–headline, North Riverside Suburban Life (Downers Grove, Ill.), March 29
  • “Ethical Failures Found on ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ and ‘House’ “–headline, LiveScience.com. March 30

Someone Set Up Us the Bomb

  • “It’s Children Crooks in DPS Are Robbing”–headline, Detroit Free Press, March 30
  • “Moscow Metro Attacks Saddle Medvedev With Putin’s War on Terror”–headline, Bloomberg, March 29

Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control

  • “Flaming Cat Lights Up B.C. Environment Minister’s Earth Hour”–headline, Victoria (British Columbia) Times Colonist, March 29
  • “Sex-Change Killer to Wed Lesbian Murderess in Jail”–headline, Sun (London), March 29

News of the Tautological
“Unrestricted Availability of Food Can Trigger Overconsumption and Obesity”–headline, News-Medical.net, March 29

Bottom Stories of the Day

  • “Ricky Martin: I Am a Homosexual Man”–headline, Miami Herald, March 29
  • “Wichita School Board OKs 5-Day School Week”–headline, Wichita (Kan.) Eagle, March 29
  • “Rapper Arrested”–headline, Boston Globe, March 30
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