Headlines

• “Fed Paints Weaker Picture of Growth and Employment”–headline, Assosciated Press, July 14
• “White House Says Policies Have Helped Economy”–headline, McClatchy Newspapers, July 14

Life Imitates ‘The Simpsons’

• “MY HOMEWORK WAS NOT STOLEN BY A ONE-ARMED MAN”–Bart Simpson, Springfield Elementary School blackboard, “Bart Gets Famous,” Feb. 3, 1994
• “Springfield Police Charge One-Armed Man With Unarmed Robbery”–headline, Republican (Springfield, Mass.), July 14, 2010

‘Senator, May I Borrow Your Mount?’
“Senate VIP Loans Mount”–headline, The Wall Street Journal, July 15

We Blame Global Warming
“Miller Signs 5-Year Deal With Heat”–headline, Sports Illustrated website, July 15

Also Known as Golf Carts
“Obama in Driver’s Seat–of Electric Cars”–headline, USA Today website, July 15

Headcheese Blames Previous Headcheese for ‘This Mess I Inherited’
“Headcheese Blamed for Salmonella Outbreak”–headline, Hope (British Columbia) Standard, July 14

The Lonely Lives of Scientists
“Scientists Solve Mystery of Women and High Heels”–headline, Stylelist.com, July 16

Eats Shoots and Leaves
“Gov. Paterson Signs Law Forcing NYPD to Delete Stop and Frisk Database”–headline, Daily News (New York), July 16

‘iPhone? What’s an iPhone?’
“Apple Is Not Expected to Recall Troubled iPhone”–headline, New York Times, July 16

They Probably Ought to Use a Landline
“Apple to Speak on iPhone 4 Amid Antenna Troubles”–headline, Associated Press, July 16

‘What Are We Supposed to Do With These Stumps?’
“Merkel Stumps for German Exporters in Russia”–headline, Deutsche Welle website, July 15

‘How He Got on My Motorcycle I’ll Never Know’
“Man Who Hit Deer on His Motorcycle Thanks First Responders, Hospital Staff”–headline, Jackson (Mich.) Citizen, July 16

Needed: A New Direction
“Execution Date Set for West”–headline, West Kentucky Star (Paducah), July 15

Such as: She Really Hates When People Rifle Through Her Purse
“You can tell a lot about a woman by looking inside her purse”–subheadline, Las Vegas Review-Journal, July 15

Questions Nobody Is Asking

• “Why Is Mel Gibson’s Ex Wife Supporting Him in Court?”–headline, E! Online, July 15
• “Is al Qaeda Racist?”–headline, TheWeek.com, July 15
• “Trending Topic: Where Have All the Lesbians Gone?”–headline, ChicagoNow.com, July 15

Answers to Questions Nobody Is Asking

• “Mel Gibson’s Rants: What the Therapists Think”–headline, Time.com, July 15
• “Why Bach Didn’t Go Swimming”–headline, CounterPunch.org, July 16

It’s Always in the Last Place You Look
“Toxic Giant Hogweed Found in Angrignon Park”–headline, CJAD-AM website (Montreal), July 16

Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control
“Rare Collapse of Earth’s Upper Atmosphere Puzzles Scientists”–headline, Space.com, July 15

News of the Tautological
“BBC Executives Spend Thousands on Expenses”–headline, Daily Telegraph (London), July 16

Breaking News From Genesis 3
“Apple: ‘We’re Not Perfect’ “–headline, KNTV website (San Jose, Calif.), July 16

Breaking News From 1898
“4 Questioned in Widening French Scandal”–headline, New York Times, July 16

News You Can Use
“Your Poop Is Unique: Gut Viruses Different in Every Person”–headline, LiveScience.com, July 14

Bottom Stories of the Day

• “Readington Police Find ‘Missing’ 2-Year-Old at Home in Bed”–headline, Hunterdon County Democrat (Flemington, N.J.), July 15
• “Folk Fare: Singer of Peter, Paul and Mary Fame Cooks Fish”–headline, Park Ridge (Ill.) Herald-Advocate, July 15
• “Yankees Plan Salutes to Steinbrenner and Sheppard”–headline, New York Times, July 16
• “Pelosi Applauded at Planned Parenthood Event”–headline, Politico.com, July 15