Late Night Humor

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

• Paris Hilton is banned from the Wynn Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. I’m not sure what Paris is banned for but I think we can rule out card counting.
• This is the worst thing to ever happen to Paris Hilton. Now, when she’s in Vegas, she may actually have to stay at the Hilton.
• The homeless population in New York City has gone up 50 percent in just the last year. Advocates say it’s true that a lot of the homeless people are drug addicts and alcoholics, but most, of course, are investors.
• Michael Lohan, father of Lindsay Lohan, tells Radar Online that he’s moving to California to open a drug and alcohol rehab center. I guess he’s serious about wanting to spend more time with his family.

Late Show With David Letterman

• It’s already autumn. Summer went by faster than Lindsay Lohan’s rehab.
• The cemetery is full, they’ve run out of plots. Well, “CSI” ran out of plots years ago.
• New York City is infested with bed bugs. If you have bed bugs, please make sure they’re spayed and neutered.
• The CBS cafeteria was given a “C” by the health department. Even the Mentalist couldn’t determine what was in the chili.

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

• The guy that tried to destroy David Letterman was let out of prison today. I was like, “Really? Jay Leno was in prison?”
• Hurricanes are like divorces. They both leave you miserable with a lot less stuff.
• CNN said a lot about the hurricane but I didn’t hear it because I was lost in the eyes of Anderson Cooper.
• The hurricane might disrupt the Middle East peace talks, which would be bad because this time, I really thought they were going to work it out.

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

• The maker of Botox has been ordered to pay $600 million after marketing the drug for unapproved uses. In a statement, Botox said, “Even if it’s hard to tell from our expression, we are extremely disappointed by this decision.”
• At the White House yesterday, President Obama told Israelis and Palestinians to reach a peace deal because they might not get another chance soon. That’s not really a peace plan. That’s how you get a 5-year-old to use the bathroom.
• An airline in Sweden plans to host the first-ever in-flight gay wedding in December. The entire flight crew is excited for the event, although the right wing isn’t happy about it.
• A man here in New York was robbed at an off-track betting parlor after cashing in a $29 thousand winning ticket. The man said it sucks to win and get absolutely nothing for it. To which horses were like, “Yeah, that must really be terrible.”