Headlines

The Secret Service Won the 1st Round 

“Parents Face 2nd Lottery for Hooker Seats”–headline, New Haven (Conn.) Independent, April 26

¿Ocho Ciento una Noche, Comprende? 
“Obama: Protect Servicemembers From Deceptive Practices”–headline, USA Today, April 27

With DNC in Mind, City Bans Carrying Urine, Feces 
“Minn. Terminal Reopens After Bag Causes Evacuation”–headline, Associated Press, April 27

Longest Books Ever Written

• “The Never-Ending List of Vice President Joe Biden’s Verbal Gaffes”–headline, TheDailyBeast.com, April 26
• “How to Be Succinct”–headline, Chronicle of Higher Education website, April 24

What Can Brown Do for You? 
“Jellyfish-Like Organisms Shut Down California Power Plant”–headline, ABCNews.com, April 26

The Lonely Lives of Experts 
“New Missile Displays Prove North Korea Faking It, Say Experts”–headline, Toronto Star, April 26

But What’s a Henway? 
“Pound Ducks U.K.’s Woes, for Now”–headline, The Wall Street Journal, April 27

So Much for the War on Drugs

• “Roach Asks Attorney General for Informal Opinion on Roll-Your-Own Cigarettes Bill”–headline, Bellingham (Wash.) Herald, April 23
• “Harvard Trips on Roots of Elizabeth Warren’s Family Tree”–headline, Boston Herald, April 27

Hey Beavis, Pull My Finger 
“Belief in God, Critical Thinking Butt Heads”–headline, Discovery.com, April 26

John Gray Must Be Working on Another Book

• “Mars Scientists Develop Research Tool to Establish Cocoa Health Links”–headline, ConfectionaryNews.com, April 26
• “Serena Says Diet Change to Support Venus Not Hard”–headline, Associated Press, April 27

For Now It’s Waiting Tables to Pay the Bills 
“China Seeks to Star in South Pacific”–headline, The Wall Street Journal, April 27

The Life and Strange Surprizing Adventures of Robinson Crusoe 
“10 Things to Know for Friday”–headline, Associated Press, April 27

Hey, Kids! What Time Is It? 
“It’s Time for the New York Times to Face Reality”–headline, AmericanThinker.com, April 27

Questions Nobody Is Asking 
“Biden: Most Powerful VP Ever?”–headline, NationalJournal.com, April 26

Answers to Questions Nobody Is Asking

• “Michelle Obama Says She Will Not Run for President”–headline, Washington Examiner website, April 26
• “How Nerds Named the First Space Shuttle”–headline, LifesLittleMysteries.com, April 26

It’s Always in the Last Place You Look 
“Searching for Meaning in the NBA”–headline, Slate.com, April 26

Too Much Information 
“Reid’s ‘Hottest Member,’ &c.”–headline, National Review Online, April 27

News of the Tautological

• “ ’Little Women’ Production Centers on Female Characters”–headline, Charleston (W.Va.) Daily Mail, April 26
• “Conservative-Leaning Group Launches Anti-Obama Ad”–headline, Associated Press, April 26

News of the Oxymoronic 
“Court Says Lesbian Couple Must Share Sperm After Split”–headline, Seattle Post-Intelligencer, April 27

Bottom Stories of the Day

• “Winnipeg Garbage Pickup Days to Change”–headline, CBC.ca, April 26
• “J Street: In Event of War We Won’t Necessarily Support Israel”–headline, Arutz Sheva website (Israel), April 27

Two Papers in One!

• “The notion that Congress somehow lacks the power to regulate, restructure or basically do whatever it wants in the health care sector, which accounts for 17 percent of the gross domestic product, is far-fetched on its face.”–Linda Greenhouse, New York Times website, March 21
• “In fact, the confirmation shed considerable light on Mr. Bork’s extreme views. As a critic of what he called the ‘imperial judiciary,’ he contended that, except when the Constitution expressly says otherwise, the court must defer to the will of the majority.”–editorial, New York Times, April 27