Headlines

The Stimulus Is Working 
“Bus Driver Says Caffeine Made Him Grope Girls”–headline, KOMO-TV website (Seattle), July 3

Out on a Limb

• “Efforts to Implement ObamaCare Law Raise Concerns of Massive Government Expansion”–headline, FoxNews.com, July 3
• “With Occupy nearing its one-year anniversary, many have complained that an ever-widening array of issues might dilute the group’s effectiveness.”–Phildelphia Inquirer, July 4

We Blame George W. Bush 
“Georgie Porgie Gropin’ My Thigh”–Annie’s Mailbox syndicated column, July 2

‘If They Bring a Knife to the Fight, We Bring a Gun.’–Barack Obama 
“Ann Romney: Obama Campaign Strategy Is ‘Kill’ Mitt Romney”–headline, Puffington Host, July 5

The Soft Bigotry of Low Expectations 
“Likely Voters: Carter Was a Better President Than Obama”–headline, TheWeeklyStandard.com, July 3

So Use the Taxing Power 
“OK, Cats Probably Aren’t Causing Danish Women to Kill Themselves”–headline, Slate.com, July 3

A Prophet Without Honor

• “Donald Trump Warns ‘Sick & Perverted’ Anthony Weiner Is ‘Trying to Make A Comeback’ ”–headline, Politicker.com, July 3
• “Evil Wiener Weiner Roast”–headline, IndyWeek.com (Durham, N.C.), July 4

Shortest Books Ever Written 
“What to Know About Lake Winnipesaukee”–headline, ABCNews.com, July 3

It’s a Cookbook 
“Free Men, to Serve God & Man”–headline, Patheos.com, July 4

The Lonely Lives of Researchers 
“Researchers Crack the Code of What Makes Us Cool”–headline, MSNBC.com, July 3

All Mimsy Were the Borogoves 
“Ondo ACN Guber Aspirants Resolve to Work With Akeredolu”–headline, BusinessDayOnline.com (Lagos, Nigeria), July 4

Hey, Kids! What Time Is It? 
“Time to Start Believing in the Pirates”–headline, ESPN website, July 2

Questions Nobody Is Asking 
“Does Mitt Romney Sing as Sweetly as a 7-Year-Old?”–headline, NationalJournal.com, July 3

Answers to Questions Nobody Is Asking 
“Letters: Why the Moon Matters”–headline, Los Angeles Times, July 4

Hot Dog Wins Chestnut Eating Contest–Now That Would Be News 
“Chestnut Wins Sixth Consecutive Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest”–headline, Bloomberg, July 4

News of the Tautological

• “Idaho Health Officials Say Mosquitoes Are Biting”–headline, Idaho Statesman, July 4
• “Book Printed With Disappearing Ink Eventually Goes Blank”–headline, Yahoo! News, July 2

Breaking News From Genesis 7:4
“A Month of Rain to Fall as More Floods Expected”–headline, Daily Telegraph (London), July 4

Breaking News From Genesis 7:23
“Mermaids Do Not Exist, Says NOAA”–headline, CBSNews.com, July 3

Breaking News From 2008 
“US Senator From Vermont Has Role in ‘Batman’ Movie”–headline, Associated Press, July 3

News You Can Use 
“No Need for BDSM-Themed Baby Showers”–headline, Slate.com, July 5

Bottom Story of the Day 
“No Problems Reported During Scranton’s July 4 Celebration”–headline, Times-Tribune, July 5