A Donkey Walks Into a Bar, and the Bartender Says:

Posted by dailyslog on 04/11/2012 in Headlines | Short Link

After All, Obama Could Still Win 
“Liberals Should Be Wary of Assisted Suicide”–headline, Washington Post website, Nov. 1

A Donkey Walks Into a Bar, and the Bartender Says: 
“Why the Long Face, Democrats?”–headline, TheDailyBeast.com, Nov. 1

Out on a Limb 
“Texas now has an equal chance of having normal, above normal or less than normal rain through at least February. With about a third of the state still in one of the worst three stages of drought, a dry winter could mean another tough spring and summer. [Farmer Chad] Lemke said he’s still hoping for the best. ‘It is an educated guess, so we’re going to hope that they’re wrong,’ Lemke said, referring to the latest forecast. ‘It’s up to the good Lord, not to the meteorologists.’ “–Associated Press, Nov. 1

We Blame George W. Bush 
“Why Do I Crave Comfort Foods Now?”–headline, CNN.com, Nov. 1

Generalissimo Francisco Franco Is Still Dead 
“Axelrod, Messina Are (Still) Confident”–headline, Time.com, Oct. 31

If He’s Lost Biden, He’s Lost Middle America 
“Biden: ‘There’s Never Been a Day in the Last Four Years I’ve Been Proud to Be His Vice President’ “–headline, WeeklyStandard.com, Nov. 2

‘Your First Time Shouldn’t Be With Just Anybody 
“ELECTION 2012: Virgin Ready to Continue Tenure for Second 3-Year Term”–Oklahoma Daily (University of Oklahoma), Nov. 1

There’s Something About an Aqua Velva Man 
“Why Women Are Moving Toward Mitt Romney”–headline, Denver Post, Oct. 30

They May Be Overestimating Their Beauty 

“Hilarious: Sandra Fluke Draws ‘Crowd’ of Tens to Florida Rally for Obama”–headline, Twitchy.com, Nov. 2

‘And We Have Better Hair’ 
“We’re in the Hat–That’s All That Counts!”–headline, Paisley (Scotland) Daily Express, Nov. 1

Shortest Books Ever Written 
“What Mike Bloomberg’s Endorsement Means”–headline, BuzzFeed.com, Nov. 1

With DNC in Mind, City Bans Carrying Urine, Feces

  • “A Restroom Plan Can Reduce Worry”–headline, New York Times, Nov. 2
  • “A Bay Area cat. . . has some disappointing news for Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney–he’s going to lose the election. Mr. Nuts, a tuxedo cat who shares a home in Fremont with Michael Ostrofsky and his family, is known for his ability to predict outcomes. . . . Mr. Nuts makes his predictions in the litter box. If he picks yours, your fate is sealed, and not in a good way.”–Joan Morris, Contra Costa Times (Walnut Creek, Calif.), Nov. 2

So Much for the War on Drugs 
“In Sandy’s Wake, Arnhold Hall Lights Up”–headline, New School Free Press, Nov. 1

Yeah, That’s Why They Have Problems 
“Voter Identification Laws Create Unique Problems For Transgender Voters”–headline, TheDailyBeast.com, Nov. 2

The Lonely Life of Matheson 
“Utah: Matheson Trails Love in New Poll”–headline, RollCall.com, Nov. 2

That’s What She Said 
“With Paychecks, Size Matters”–headline, Los Angeles Times, Nov. 1

Questions Nobody Is Asking

  • “Did Red Bull Stratos Break a Halakhic Barrier?”–headline, JewishIdeasDaily.com, Nov. 2
  • “I think it’s time we discuss something, Orlando drinkers. I’ve let this slide for a while, but I can’t keep quiet about it anymore. What is up with people puking at the bar?”–Lindsay Gigler, Orlando Weekly, Oct. 31

Answers to Questions Nobody Is Asking 
“A Marathon During a Humanitarian Disaster? Yes, Says Bloomberg”–headline, Commentary website, Nov. 2

It’s Always in the Last Place You Look 
“Steelers Can’t Find Hotel in New York”–headline, ESPN website, Nov. 1

Someone Set Up Us the Bomb 
“Love-Rat Dad of Nine Children to Eight Women Jailed for Headbutting Ex-Girlfriend in Row Over Cheese Toastie”–headline, Daily Mail (London), Nov. 2

Mad Libs 
“Vandals Admit Muffin-Crystal-Thingie Assault at Serpent Mound”–headline, Columbus Dispatch, Nov. 2

Breaking News From 1944 
“Is German Bad News Good News for Europe?”–headline, Puffington Host, Nov. 1

Bottom Stories of the Day

  • “Obama Back on Campaign Trail After Sandy Says Now Is Not Time for ‘Petty Differences’–Then Attacks Romney”–headline, Daily Mail (London), Nov. 1
  • “Dukakis Predicts Obama Win, Breaks Down Election Issues”–headline, Harvard Crimson, Nov. 2
  • “Ann Romney: ‘Mitt Romney Is Ready to Lead the Country’ “–headline, Romney campaign press release, Nov. 2
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