The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
- There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America’s new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death.
- The economy is so bad that on the way to work, I saw Phil Jackson holding a sign that said, “Will coach for food.”
- The economy is so bad, MSNBC had to lay off 300 Obama spokesmen.
- The economy is so bad, President Obama sent Susan Rice out to defend it.
- Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She’s a lady promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever’s there.
- New research revealed that the closer you live to a bar, the more likely you are to become a heavy drinker. And the closer you live to Dunkin’ Donuts, the more likely you are to become the governor of New Jersey.
- Scientists have created synthetic plastic skin that can heal itself. The synthetic skin is being called revolutionary by doctors and the perfect Christmas gift for Bruce Jenner.
- A prison inmate in Oregon who shot his own jaw off has demanded the state pay for his surgery. At least that’s what I think he said.
Late Show With David Letterman
- Last night we had a rough audience, very unpleasant. And then halfway through the show, they voted to secede.
- After the election, 20 states said they’ve got to get out. They said, “We can’t take it anymore,” so 20 states are working on seceding from the United States. We’re facing real economic problems, so take those 20 states that want to leave and charge them $10,000 apiece.
- Yesterday, Barack Obama looked especially good. He looked relaxed and ready to lead, so he took questions from the press for 20 minutes, then finished up with a few Al Green songs.
- President Obama is in town today. He’s visiting the places that were destroyed by Hurricane Sandy. And he’s visiting people who lost their power. Those are Republicans, but that’s a different story
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
- The network NBC turns 86 years old today. And like most 86-year-olds, it watches CBS.
- Today is “America Recycles Day.” We’re celebrating here. All of tonight’s jokes are from previous shows.
- Drew Barrymore reportedly started smoking when she was 5 years old. In the original script for “E.T.” she lured E.T. into her home with a pack of menthols.
- Some people say the link between smoking and poor health has been exaggerated. These people are called “tobacco executives.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
- Facebook just launched a new app. They teamed up with the Department of Labor to create what they call the social jobs app. You can browse through 2 million job listings. You know it’s bad when even Facebook thinks it’s time for you to get a job.
- Facebook also has an app that can help you lose your job. It’s called Facebook.
- Hostess, the company that makes Twinkies, is in big financial trouble right now. Hostess filed for bankruptcy back in January. I don’t understand how this is possible. This country has never been fatter. How are the people who make Zingers and Snowballs losing money?
- Colorado and Washington just legalized marijuana. If Hostess can’t figure out a way to make money off of that, then maybe they shouldn’t be in the snack cake industry. I guess I’ll just have to take my business to Little Debbie.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
- Yesterday, President Obama gave his first press conference since being re-elected. And a lot of people are saying it looked like he was trying to cover up some of his gray hair. So I guess Obama’s major goals include jobs for women and Just For Men.
- During his final speech on the House floor yesterday, Congressman Ron Paul said the Constitution has failed. Which must be a bummer because he’s actually one of the guys who signed it.
- Facebook and the Department of Labor have teamed up for a new app that displays job openings. It’ll be weird when people find a job because of Facebook, then get fired from that job for using Facebook, then use Facebook to find another job. It’s the circle of life.
- This week, Pope Benedict made a surprise visit to a retirement home near the Vatican. You know, if there’s one thing people in a retirement home like, it’s surprises.