Metaphor Alert 
“When will we reign [sic] in our country’s spooked team of political horses pulling abuggy full of culture trash? What scored them off their well-worn moral path? Thedrivers are of the new public opinion, brain-wash breed, that have whipped ourequines into a frantic frenzy, just chasing after entertainment, fun, excitement and government entitlements. Where are those from our distant past who had trained them to travel the hard-working virtuous road? The ones who followed the narrow way of faithfulness and honor? The sustenance they carried was nourishment for our souls in God’s own book.”–Doris Kyllo, letter to the editor, Daily Record (Ellensburg, Wash.), Feb. 2

Other Than That, the Story Was Accurate

• “Editor’s Note: A commentary by Leo Webb, ‘Returning veteran has few marketable skills,’ prompted questions from listeners about Webb’s account of his service as an Army sniper in Iraq. A subsequent investigation found that the Army has no record of Webb. Webb also said he pitched for a Chicago Cubs minor-league team. Inquiries to the Cubs and to Minor League Baseball found no record of Webb. Marketplace has an obligation to provide accurate information. That was not met in this commentary. It has been retracted and the text and audio have been removed from the web site.”–Marketplace.org, Feb. 1
• “Update 2:39 p.m. Scratch all of that. The Atlantic Wire has learned that ww5.komen.org, has always been the organization’s website(and it still is today)–this also sort of debunks Gather’s previous theory (below), meaning that the “hack” could have possibly been an alteration of one of the site’s banners not the entire website.”–TheAtlanticWire.com, Feb. 2

Out on a Limb

• “Ben Bernanke: Spending ‘Unsustainable’ ”–headline, Politico.com, Feb. 2
• “The Importance of U.S. Military Might Shouldn’t Be Underestimated”–headline, Washington Post, Feb. 3

The Rich Really Are Just Like the Rest of Us 
“Some Wealthy Donors Drop Obama for Romney”–headline, RollCall.com, Feb. 2

That’s What She Said 
“Obama at Prayer Breakfast: ‘I Have Fallen on My Knees With Great Regularity’ ”–headline, Investors Business Daily website, Feb. 2

‘If You Take Half the People at an Ohio State Football Game on Saturday Afternoon and They Were to Have Voted the Other Way, You and I Would Be Having a Discussion Today About My State of the Union Speech’ 
“Kate Middleton, ‘Hat Person of the Year’? Time for a Recount!”–headline, Los Angeles Times website, Feb. 1

It Shouldn’t Make a Difference, Given the Law of Conservation of Mass 
“Does Donald Trump Support Matter?”–headline, FoxNews.com, Feb. 2

Himmler Had Something Similar 
“Q & A: How a Fancy Austrian Ball Stirred Worry About Neo-Nazis”–headline, Los Angeles Times website, Feb. 1

Holy Anatolia! 
“Turkish Forces Kill 5 PKK Fighters in Batman”–headline, Reuters, Feb. 3

Answer: Enjoy Your Memories of the Good Old Days 
“What to Do if You Have Recalled Birth Control Pills”–headline, Boston Globe, Feb. 3

The Lonely Lives of Scientists 
“Scientists Coax Shy Microorganisms to Stand Out in a Crowd”–headline, University of Washington press release, Feb. 2

Answers to Questions Nobody Is Asking

• “Baratunde Thurston Explains ‘How To Be Black’ ”–headline, NPR.org, Feb. 1
• “Sex on First Date? 55% Say They Have”–headline, USA Today, Feb. 2
• “How Mormons Are Kind of Like Jews”–headline, Slate.com, Feb. 2

It’s Always in the Last Place You Look

• “Vermont Inmates Hide Pig in Official Police Car Decal”–headline, Reuters, Feb. Feb. 3
• “New York Times Loses $40Million in 2011″–headline, Daily Mail (London), Feb. 2

Breaking News From Luke 18:11-12 
“Obama Says His Religious Values Underpin His Policies”–headline, Miami Herald, Feb. 3

Breaking News From 2004 
“When Kerry Saw Blue Tide Turning”–headline, Herald (Ireland), Feb. 3

News You Can Use 
“How To Make Surveillance Drones Less Frightening: Paint Them Pretty Colors”–headline, Slate.com, Feb. 2

Bottom Stories of the Day

• “Newark Schools Won’t Get Rich on Facebook IPO”–headline, WSJ.com, Feb. 2
• “Roseanne Barr 2012: Actress Seeks Green Party Presidential Nod”–headline, Puffington Host, Feb. 2
• “Don’t Say He Didn’t Warn You: Santorum Steers Audiences Away From Rivals With Doomsday Talk”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 3

• Mitt Romney said he is not concerned with the very poor. That statement worked out well for Marie Antoinette, didn’t it?
• There are signs that Newt Gingrich’s campaign is starting to run out of money. He’s dropped Tiffany and he’s buying all of his jewelry on QVC now.
• Donald Trump has now endorsed Mitt Romney. Imagine that: A billionaire reaching out to a millionaire.
• Romney knows how President Obama thinks. Because when he was governor of Massachusetts, he thought the exact same way.

Conan

• They’ve chosen a new voice to play Dora the Explorer. I just want to say, thank you for the opportunity. Kids, I will not let you down.
• Super model Gisele Bundchen wants people to pray for her husband Tom Brady to win the Super Bowl. In response, God said, “You know what, I think I’ve done enough for Tom Brady.”
• After losing in Florida, Newt Gingrich is campaigning hard in Las Vegas. Gingrich says he loves Las Vegas because it has two of his favorite things: buffets and wedding chapels.

Late Show With David Letterman

• Mitt Romney said he’s not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.
• Romney said the poor ought to get together and go to Best Buy to watch the Super Bowl on the wide screen.
• Romney was endorsed by Donald Trump. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing.

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

• The nuclear power plant here in Southern California had to be closed. It was leaking radiation. The good news is, you notice how it is a little brighter in this studio?
• It’s a great day for Mitt Romney. He was endorsed by Donald Trump. Unfortunately it was a split decision. The thing on Trump’s head endorsed Gingrich.
• It’s Groundhog Day. A groundhog knows as much about weather as Mitt Romney knows about poor people.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

• The Super Bowl is on Sunday. That means there’s only a few days left to inflate your furniture.
• In the old days, people would get excited about the Super Bowl commercials because it was the only place you could see talking babies or frogs that drink beer. But now on YouTube, you can see it every day.
• Donald Trump made a surprise endorsement of Mitt Romney for president. And Mitt climbed into Donald’s golden helicopter and they flew around the country, dropping silver dollars on the homeless and unemployed.

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

• Donald Trump announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It was really nice. Trump was like, “There’s only one man with the brains, the skills, and the charisma to be president — but since I’m not running, you might as well vote for Mitt Romney.”
• It was a busy day for Trump, because just this morning, his hair popped out of the ground and predicted six more weeks of winter.
• Over the weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were spotted taking their kids to Cirque du Soleil. It’s weird when they take their kids to the circus, because even the clowns are like, “That’s a lot of people in one car!”

Metaphor Alert 
“These data demonstrate a growing undercurrent of discontent. The division in the country is narrow; there are many on each side. But the gulf is deep, and growing deeper. The question now is: Can any politician or party heal this rift, or has the United States truly become a house divided?“–Washington Times, Feb. 2

We Blame George W. Bush 
“RPT-Egypt Brotherhood Blames ‘Invisible’ Hand for Violence”–headline, Reuters, Feb. 2

He Died for Your Sins, Might as Well Make the Most of It 
“Obama: I Pushed Dodd-Frank and Health Care Reform Because of Christ”–headline, BuzzFeed.com, Feb. 2

Ann Romney Says ‘Thanks’ 
“Obama Helps Woman With Husband’s Resume”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 1

But in the End, They’ll Settle for Romney 
“Newfound Alien Planet is Best Candidate Yet to Support Life, Scientists Say”–headline, Space.com, Feb. 2

Leave Newt Gingrich Alone! 
“64-Year-Old Tub of Lard Found in Germany–Still Edible”–headline, Agence France-Presse, Feb. 1

The Fiat Deal Fell Through? 
“No Takers for Obama’s $1 Million Chrysler”–headline, NewsCore, Feb. 2

With DNC in Mind, City Bans Carrying Urine, Feces

• “French Chef Attacks le Crap”–headline, Sydney Morning Herald, Feb. 3
• “Holder’s No. 2 Pushed Fast and Furious”–headline, OnyxBook.com, Feb. 2

‘And We Have Better Hair’ 
“Kerry’s a Cut Above the Rest!”–headline, Jarrow and Hebburn (England) Gazette, Feb. 2

Volunteer Now and They’ll Give You a Hat 
“Kerry Volunteer Centre”–headline, Kerryman (Tralee, Ireland), Feb. 2

A Stand-Up Guy 
“Urinating Marine ‘Leader’ ”–headline, Sydney Morning Herald, Feb. 3

Somebody Give Gov. Brown an Audition 
“John Chiang Says California’s Cash Will Dry Up if Officials Don’t Act”–headline, Sacramento Bee, Feb. 1

‘He’s Still Dead! Nooooooooo!’ 
“Franco Victims’ Relatives Relive the Horror”–headline, Daily Telegraph (London), Feb. 1

Some Doctors Have It Coming 
“Smacking Never Right, Say Doctors”–headline, Daily Telegraph (London), Jan. 31

Couldn’t They Just Use eHarmony? 
“Sacramento Stinks: Skunks Invade the City in Search of Their Perfect Mate”–headline, Daily Mail (London), Feb. 1

Questions Nobody Is Asking 
“If Newt Gingrich was to gain the Republican nomination and if he was to win the presidential election (and if the Cubs were to win the World Series) and if he was to somehow cut taxes and find enough money to open a base on the moon, how big a humidifier would be necessary to compensate for the moon’s 1/6-weaker gravity when the [Tampa Bay] Rays move there for a better stadium and a larger fan base?”–Jim Caple, ESPN.com, Feb. 1

Answers to Questions Nobody Is Asking 
“What We Need Is More Apathy in This Country”–headline, PJMedia.com, Feb. 2

Look Out Below! 
“Shelter Drops Lunch Program”–headline, Boston Herald, Feb. 2

It’s Always in the Last Place You Look 
“ ’Where Is the Uprising From the Left?’ ”–headline, Der Spiegel, Feb. 1

Breaking News From 1946, 1962, 1964, 1986, 1994 
“Kennedy Poised to Run for Congress”–headline, Harvard Crimson, Jan. 31

Breaking News From 1986 
“Facebook Readies for Blockbuster IPO”–headline, CNN.com, Feb. 1

Bottom Story of the Day 
“Obama Won’t Come Close on Pledge to Halve Deficit, CBO Says”–headline, USA Today, Feb. 1