• Michelle Obama gave a commencement speech at a high school in Nashville. The first lady said about her husband, “I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.” And today she was offered her own show on Fox News.
• President Obama gave the commencement address at Morehouse College over the weekend. Great speech, very inspiring. He told the young graduates their future is bright — unless, of course, they want jobs.
• The White House admitted President Obama’s chief of staff had advance warning that the IRS was targeting conservative groups. President Obama says the first time he heard about the IRS and AP scandals was from the media. See, that’s why President Obama holds press conferences. It’s not to explain what’s going on. It’s to find out what’s going on.
• Singer Mary J. Blige has been slapped with a $3.4 million  bill from the IRS. I didn’t even know she was a tea party member.

Conan

• A lot of people are criticizing President Obama, including Michelle Obama. She recently said she could take a whole afternoon and talk about Barack’s failures. She was immediately hired by Fox News.
• According to a new survey, white Americans are more likely to see President Obama as angry than black Americans. After hearing about it, Obama got really angry — according to white Americans.
• A college student in Georgia was worried that his parents would be mad at him for flunking English. So he tried to fake his own kidnapping. The parents figured it out when the ransom note said, “We has your son.”
• A man gave a waitress a $1,000 tip so she could take a trip to Italy. Isn’t that nice? It was an Olive Garden waitress who dreamed of one day trying Italian food.

The Late Show With David Letterman

• There’s a new HBO movie this weekend — the Liberace story, “Behind the Candelabra.” Liberace claimed that he was not gay. Well, that’s good enough for me.
• I’ve seen a little of the film. Meryl Streep is fantastic as Liberace.
• We’re learning more and more about Liberace. He was addicted to plastic surgery. He had a collection of wigs. And he would  hange clothing about 10 times a day. Wow, it’s like I have a twin!
• I feel bad for Barack Obama. He’s got the Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the FBI wiretapping phones. The president is in so much trouble politically, he’s thinking about killing bin Laden again.

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

• Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will star in a low-budget horror movie called “The Toxic Avenger.” He wreaks havoc. He’s a monster. I have no idea what he’ll do in the movie.
• A museum in Sweden claims to have the world’s biggest collection of ABBA memorabilia. They clearly haven’t seen my bedroom.
• ABBA sold 370 million records, and two of those sales were to people who weren’t white.
• ABBA sold 18 million albums just in Australia when the entire population of Australia at the time was 15 million people. How could that happen? There’s only one explanation: Kangaroos were buying the album.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

• A 19-year-old student in Lawrenceville, Georgia, was failing English and he didn’t want to tell his parents about it. So he faked his own kidnapping. He texted his parents and said he’s been abducted. It sounds like a terrible Liam Neeson movie.
• The student camped out for a week and then came home when it rained. I guess he failed his “Fake Your Own Kidnapping 101” class too.

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

• These scandals at the White House are just getting worse. It turns out that President Obama’s chief of staff knew about the scandal at the IRS three weeks before the president found out. Obama was like, “Anything else you guys aren’t telling me?” And Joe Biden was like, “Uh . . . I broke the copier.”
• President Obama’s team knew about the IRS scandal but kept him in the dark about it. Or as Obama put it, “Guys, when I said ‘No spoilers,’ I was just talking about ‘Game of Thrones.’”
• Four women have qualified to race in this Sunday’s Indy 500. Yeah, four women going around and around in circles — or as that’s normally called, “The View.”

The post Obozo’s scandal response: Kill Bin Laden Again appeared first on The Daily Slog.

• “What I Didn’t Find in Africa”–headline, New York Times, July 6, 2003
• “The Only Yellow Cake Recipe You’ll Ever Need”–headline, Yahoo! Shine, May 21, 2013

Singer Hits Bottle–Now That Would Be News 
“Bottle Hits Singer: Reggae Singer Hit With Bottle While on Stage”–headline, Examiner.com, May 19

Look Out Below! 
“Learning to Eat Again: Man Drops 130 Pounds After Surgery”–headline, CNN.com, May 17

We Blame George W. Bush 
“We know that too many young men in our community continue to make bad choices. And I have to say, growing up, I made quite a few myself. Sometimes I wrote off my own failings as just another example of the world trying to keep a black man down. I had a tendency sometimes to make excuses for me [sic] not doing the right thing. But one of the things that all of you have learned over the last four years is there’s no longer any room for excuses.”–Barack Obama, Morehouse College commencement ceremony, May 19

We Blame Barbara Bush 
“When in Doubt, Blame the Mom”–headline, Lenore Skenazy syndicated column, May 21

We Blame Global Warming 
“See all the hottest artists perform LIVE TONIGHT at the Billboard Music Awards.”–tweet, @ABCNetwork, May 19

If He’s Lost Her, He’s Lost Middle America 
“Michelle Obama Tells Grads: ‘I Could Take Up a Whole Afternoon Talking About’ Barack Obama’s Failures”–headline, CNSNews.com, May 20

Longest Books Ever Written 
“Obama’s Trust-in-Government Deficit”–headline, Washington Post, May 18

Though Obama’s Ticked Off a Few 
“Nixon’s List Has Items Unchecked”–headline, Columbia (Mo.) Daily Tribune, May 19

But He’s Great at Division 
“Obama Consoles Student After Failing to Answer Math Problem: ‘Subtraction Is Tougher Than Addition’ ”–headline, CBSLocal.com (Washington), May 17

White House Denies President Is a Vampire 
“President Barack Obama Is Reflected in a Mirror”–photo title, WhiteHouse.gov, May 19

Probably Pining for the Fjords 
“A Tough Week, but Obama’s Agenda Isn’t Dead”–headline, TheDailyBeast.com, May 17

Chris Stevens Could Not Be Reached for Comment 
“Kerry: Diplomats Need to Be ‘Outdoors’ to Do Their Jobs”–headline, Washington Post, May 21

With DNC in Mind, City Bans Carrying Urine, Feces 
“Stop the Leaks”–headline, New York Times, May 21

If He Sees His Shadow, It’s 6 More Weeks of Weiner 
“John Edwards Re-Emerges, Begins Public Comeback”–headline, Washington Times, May 17

To Serve Fruit 
“Apple to Face Tax Grilling”–headline, Daily Telegraph (London), May 20

Sky Falls, Women Hardest Hit 
“Chick Lit Is Dead, Long Live Farm Lit”–headline, TheAtlantic.com, May 13

Point/Counterpoint

• “What turkeys don’t have is eroticism.”–Emily Esfahani Smith, TheAtlantic.com, May 17
• “Turkey Woos Gulf Nationals as Property Investors”–headline, Gulf News (Dubai), May 19

Anything We Can Do, You Can Do Better?

• “We men just make bad decisions. We can’t help it. We’re men. Women, on the other hand, do almost everything better.”–David Weidner, MarketWatch.com, June 14, 2011
• “She watched her husband writhing in excruciating pain in the torture chamber of their Toronto apartment and lifted not a finger. For three long months, she watched as her spouse was degraded, beaten and sexually abused by her new boyfriend and said not word. Now she says she’s sorry. ‘I just feel horrible for what really happened to my husband,’ the 32-year-old told the court. ‘I wish I would have said something.’ ”–Toronto Sun, May 16
• “A Jersey City woman has been charged with aggravated assault after she threw hot water and broccoli on her daughter after a dispute, police said.”–Jersey Journal, May 18
• “A Nash County woman upset over being told she couldn’t have some cheese tried to poison several family members over the weekend, authorities said Monday.”–WRAL-TV website (Raleigh, N.C.), May 20

The Zookeeper Needs to Have a Talk With Them About the Birds and the Bees 
“Birth of Anteater Has Conn. Zoo Staff Puzzled”–headline, New York Times, May 17

The Other Kids Tease Him Mercilessly 
“Nolan Ryan’s Oldest Son Named Astros President”–headline, Associated Press, May 20

Hey, Kids! What Time Is It? 
“Time to Smoke Out NY’s Butt-Leggers”–headline, New York Post, May 21

Questions Nobody Is Asking

• “Will Angelina Jolie Help End Climate-Change Denial, and Help the Republican Party?”–headline,Forbes.com, May 19
• “Candy Crowley: Is it Possible This Isn’t Political and IRS Didn’t Intend to Harass the Tea Party?”–headline, NewsBusters.org, May 19

Answers to Questions Nobody Is Asking 
“Yes, Liberals Run the Government”–headline, Commentary website, May 20

Question and Answer

• “What I Didn’t Find in Africa”–headline, New York Times, July 6, 2003
• “The Only Yellow Cake Recipe You’ll Ever Need”–headline, Yahoo! Shine, May 21, 2013

Singer Hits Bottle–Now That Would Be News 
“Bottle Hits Singer: Reggae Singer Hit With Bottle While on Stage”–headline, Examiner.com, May 19

Look Out Below! 
“Learning to Eat Again: Man Drops 130 Pounds After Surgery”–headline, CNN.com, May 17

It’s Always in the Last Place You Look 
“Piers Morgan: Now I See U.S. Government Tyranny”–headline, WND.com, May 17

Too Much Information 
“Obama Gets Personal About Race and Manhood in Morehouse College Speech”–headline, Washington Post, May 20

Bottom Stories of the Day

• “US Senator Sheldon Whitehouse From Rhode Island Provides Erroneous Information to American Public in Global Warming Rant”–headline, WattsUpWithThat.com, May 20
• “Jeffrey Nugent Says His Brother Ted Nugent Is Wrong on Background Checks”–headline,Washington Post, May 18
• “Report: Obama to Make Big Speech About Drones, Guantanamo”–headline, Salon.com, May 19

The post Cakes and Wine appeared first on The Daily Slog.

• These White House scandals are not going away any time soon. I’ll tell you how bad it’s looking for President Obama: People in Kenya are now saying he’s 100 percent American.
• 

Yesterday, the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, charged that there’s a culture of intimidation throughout the Obama administration. Really, anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can’t even keep Joe Biden in line.

• So they spent the last five years claiming President Obama was weak and ineffective. Suddenly he’s Tony Soprano.
• After being booed at the Billboard Music Awards last night, Justin Bieber said, ”I’m 19 years old. I think I’m doing a pretty good job.” Hey Justin. I’m 63. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. Welcome to show business, pal.

Conan

• President Obama is in a lot of hot water lately. Despite the scandals, 53 percent of Americans say they approve of the job he’s doing. The other 47 percent are being audited.
• A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden.

• It’s been reported that Californians donated almost $600,000 to Chris Christie’s re-election campaign. And by Californians, I mean my monologue writers. They want that guy to stick around.
• Lamborghini is celebrating its 50th anniversary. Lamborghini is so freaked out by turning 50, it just bought itself a Lamborghini.

The Late Show With David Letterman

• Anybody win the Powerball thing over the weekend? $590 million, one winner. That’s the biggest single jackpot since — well, since Tiger Woods’ divorce.
• President Obama’s had a rough couple of weeks with the big Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the phone tapping scandal. And now he has to replace all four “American Idol” judges.

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

• We’re almost done with May sweeps. Sweeps — that’s when TV networks pull out all the stops to get ratings. In fact, on “Glee,” one of the actors is going to come out — as straight!
• Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won’t be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like “Who shot J.R.?” I like to think I do this every night — the question is, “Is this show still on?”
• I prefer to judge the performance of this show on its “artistic impact.” By that I mean the number of complaints we receive.
  e’re up 30 percent year to year in key demos.
• I don’t think you want to win ratings in late night. Look what happened on NBC. Who has been No. 1 over there for 20 years? Jay Leno. And what happened? He was fired. Twice! It’s like “Well done, Jay. That was great. You’re fired.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

• Yesterday I was presented with an honorary doctorate at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. I will be writing medical marijuana prescriptions in the alley after the show.
• I’m a doctor of humane letters and I don’t know what that means. I didn’t have to do anything to get it. I didn’t have to read or write a thesis. I made a mockery of higher education this weekend and now I can invite strangers into my office and ask them to take their clothes off without getting arrested.
• Justin Bieber received multiple honors at the Billboard Music Awards. He won for best male artist. I can count three lies in the title of that award.
• Justin Bieber actually said he’s an artist — in the same way the guy who makes my turkey sandwich at Subway is an artist.

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

• It turns out the winning ticket for Saturday’s huge $590 million Powerball drawing was apparently sold in a town called Zephyrhills, Florida. In a related story, Florida residents are getting an unusual volume of calls from their grandkids today.
• During a fundraiser yesterday, President Obama said there is a shortage of common sense right now in Washington. At which point the people who paid $5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement.
• There are reports that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un may have another child with a woman who is not his wife. People say the baby looks just like him — though in fairness, pretty much ALL babies look just like him.
• The Navy announced that its specially trained dolphins found a rare torpedo off the coast of California. You can tell those dolphins are smart because they just turned the torpedo back at us and said, “How about YOU doing some tricks at Sea World?”

The post Billboard: Justin Bieber – Best Male Artist; 3 words, 3 lies appeared first on The Daily Slog.